This is what I do when my mind is full and I don’t want to bother anyone with its contents. I write it down. In this particular instance, my usually linear style of writing will be replaced by whatever I feel like typing – not necessarily in any particular order.
Still reading?
So last night was interesting. Not a bad night…actually a good night. Until the end of the night. There’s a particular person who manages to pour icy cold water on my good moods for one very specific reason – his hypocrisy and overall perversion reminds me of everything I don’t like about the typical male. In years past (up until now in certain circles, I suppose) I’ve been very used to being viewed in a certain light. Most of the time this is because that is/was the way I presented myself. The way I chose to dress, speak, act, etc. portrayed a certain persona which is/was understandably responded to in a certain way. Most of this was done on purpose. Note the lack of “is” in the previous sentence. Somewhere around two and a half weeks ago I took a gigantic leap and left a rather large portion of my previous existence behind. That area of my life has been messed with (both by other people’s doing and my own allowing) for years, but after some major God time I finally managed put it where it belongs – in the past. Having gained victory over this area of crap, it is pretty expected that there would be some opposition. That is partially represented by the above mentioned individual. Whenever he is around he reminds me of everything I hate about men and they way they have treated me over the years – like something less than a person. Something to look at and use however they see fit. Then they’ll see nothing wrong and proceed to spout off God-isms and profess their deepest God-inspired convictions. It’s this type of hypocrisy that drives me up a frikin’ wall. It’s also a big reason why I took the effort to go through my myspace and remove everything that was not above reproach.
See, I can see the fault in my own life too. But the difference here is that I have and am still making the effort to rid myself of this way of living. Being a chameleon around various groups of people. Acting one way at work, another with a certain group of friends, another with a different group of people, and yet another at church…It’s false. If you’re going to profess a faith in God, then live it. Don’t just claim it and then deny it by your actions to the contrary. Pick a side.
I left the coffee shop last night almost in tears. I couldn’t even figure out why until later. It’s the reminder of something I fear I’ll never be able to fully leave behind. That feeling of being demeaned and shamed because of attributes I can do little to change. The feeling of being vulnerable and somewhat helpless in a situation sometimes much bigger than me. Strange, isn’t it? As much as I say I feel “big” because of my height (and weight, depending on the day) in general I feel incredibly small.
So then there was the email. The email that I hoped for for weeks and thought I’d never get and now I’ve gotten it and am not sure I want it. There’s things about him which I’m not sure have changed or will ever change. Some of these things I could live with, some I know I couldn’t. He’s given me some pretty jacked up memories to handle…and I’m not sure they’re going to fade enough to the past to be able to focus on a new present. And now after the summer, it’s far more complicated.
As if that wasn’t a downer enough, there’s more. What follows is completely unrelated to the paragraph above. Just FYI I’m realizing also that with the change in thinking and action, I’m probably going to lose a few people who currently mean the world to me. Friends who mean no harm, but would still manage to be a distraction. If God chooses to remove them, then so be it. Part of sincerely wanting a change involves being willing to let go of what God deems superfluous. Things are already slightly more lonely than they were before. I’m a people person. I’m a naturally incredibly affectionate people person. And I don’t quite know what to do with myself. My mom hugged me today and I nearly broke into pieces. As stupid as it sounds, the lack of physical affection (this is a G-rated reference) leaves me a bit disoriented.
And now for something completely different.
I don’t know why, but church as been something of an ordeal lately. Going to the Shark Club service of RH was something I loved until someone from the past decided to volunteer. I wouldn’t be nearly as annoyed if he hadn’t behaved like a second-grader and tried to delete me from his life – only to stalk me on myspace and talk about me and my life to our old group of friends. This is another occasion of “pick a side”. If you’re going to delete me from you life, then do it. Don’t just shut the actual me out and yet be somehow preoccupied with…Whatever it is. I just don’t like going there and dealing with the situation. Plus, I only really go for the teaching and that I can get on the podcast each week if I want. But going to my parents church…that’s a tough one too. There’s another blatant representation of the hypocrisy above mentioned that I have issues being around. And yes, I realize this is my own issue. Working on it. The other thing is the two people who have turned out to be yet ANOTHER set of flakes. This is why I don’t believe people when they promise friendship and support. They inevitably turn out to be flakes. The ones that don’t promise it…they turn out better, for some reason. Not sure why that is.
There’s a tangent for you.
So, the rundown of my current state. My head hurts. I’m a bit tired. Soccer is fun. I miss some people. I don’t miss others. My brothers say I’m almost too skinny. I think they’re borderline crazy people. My mom is a good person to talk to. My dad rules. Hanging out with two specific people is slightly odd because it’s something completely foreign to me. I don’t know where I stand. I know where I sit, so that’s a plus. Leaving things up to God can be scary. New priority list: Love God. All else will follow.
