In starting this blog I feel the need to add a short disclaimer. I manage to keep the majority of my blogs relatively aloof and devoid of excessive amounts of emotion. On this occasion, this censorship does not apply. That said…
In an attempt to simplify my life I recently went through several folders in my computer and did a massive cleaning job – read through the files I didn’t remember, deleted the unnecessary, and reorganized what remained into a much easier and logical filing format. Doing this turned out to be quite the interesting event. I came across pictures I didn’t remember taking, old school papers that sounded way too thought out to have been written by the person I think I am, and then the two files which I think my happening upon can in no way be considered mere chance.
I have an ex-boyfriend. Actually, I have four ex-boyfriends. One of them was a teacher whom I dated when I was 18 and 19. This one liked to write. He was a guy who believed in journals, notes, letters, longer letters, and other pieces of word-related tokens of affection. I have to give him credit – he picked the correct avenue to get to me. I still have the majority of the originals (if not all of them) in what I refer to as the “Scott Box” up on a shelf along with other little gifts bestowed upon me during this time. Don’t get me wrong…this isn’t some shrine to a former long-lost love. The guy’s married now. I respect that wholeheartedly and wish them nothing but complete happiness. I have, up until this point, hung onto them simply for the sweetness the items contain. The two above mentioned files were the original WORD documents written to me on May 14th and 15th, 2003. And now, three and a half years later, pieces of these documents are exactly what I needed to hear. Here’s a few excerpts…
“…You are so patient and resilient to everything and I admire your strength. I respect you, and you know I do because I listen to you. I will not run from you even in the hard times. Your value and worth in my life is because of who you are Natalie… and the importance of that weighs within my being…It’s not about me. but here I am Natalie. I prayed for you today as I drove onto campus. I lifted you up before the lord and asked him to protect you from the schemes of the enemy who is sifting you… “
And from the 15th:
“driving to work today I thought about you. I started thinking about what you said, how the battle is not against flesh and blood…you and I live by what we see and feel so much at times…They want to some how negate you or see something about you that could be deemed wrong so that they feel better about themselves… and the more threatened they are of you the more they make an issue out of whatever it is they perceive as a weakness. You are a leader…You speak your mind and don’t put up with crap, yet you are sensitive, caring and patient. Don’t stop pursuing the dreams of your heart. When I think about you I get excited because I know you will never settle for the easy passive life…although your very importance to me does not define you, know that it is true; you are important. Not because I believe it or think it, but because it is a reality of you just being…you are significant and essential…Never underestimate your worth…”
As wrong as he turned out to be for me, he was completely right. He had a very accurate view of me. Not all of it was glowing, but it was honest. He got it. He got me. But really this isn’t about him, nor me with him. It’s about how true his words are even today.
I’m being sifted. It was true in 2003, and it’s true now in 2006. At this point in time it seems like God is taking away everything I hold dear, everything that matters or that I consider important, everything that I cling to – all of it, just to teach me this lesson: utter reliance upon Him and Him alone. First, He removed a person. One person who meant the world to me. Someone I treasured and adored, loved with everything I had, and would have given anything to hold onto. God took him away. Him and the puppy. Then He removed a few friends here and there, a couple job opportunitiesies, an iPod, allowed relationships to fall to pieces before they even really began, and generally isolated me from all but a select few people who amount to few more than family. For anyone who doesn’t get how huge this is…it’s devastatingly meaningful. I’m a people person. I thrive on the company of others. This was big. So…we’re down love, people, material possessionsons…then comes health. I’m used to being a healthy person. I rarely get sick, seldom have an injury more than a few bruises from Soccer, and have (thank God) never had anything wrong with me that warranted any serious attention. Until a little over a month ago. Now, I have the mystery of what I refer to as the “non-child”. A few symptoms with no positive diagnosis. And no, they still don’t know what it was/is. And now…for what I hope is the grand finale, God is taking away one of my last security blankets. Vanity. For the first time in my life I have bad skin. As of a few days ago, I have six new stretch marks which are apparently not weight related. I am bruised in many areas for some unknown reason. My teeth are adjusting themselves after the wisdom tooth I was told I didn’t have finally came through. And I realized this after freaking out over a gain of three pounds in what could only have been water weight: I have a weight problem. No, I’m not overweight. It’s more like the opposite. It’s the reaction that I had in the doctors office that let me know how much of a problem I had with whatever weight I was at, and how deeply terrified I was of any possible increase. And all of that comes down to the root fear that I know God is trying to address: I’m not good enough.
No matter how I present myself to the world, the deep-seated feeling I live with is one of insufficiency. Never intelligent enough, or well spoken, successfulull, or Godly, or thin, or beautiful…etc. The letter I quoted above contains all the truths that I need to hear at times like these, but the lesson in all this is one so much bigger that that. It’s one that Scott tried to teach me years ago. It’s one that my head remembers but my heart hasn’t yet learned to cling to: my own worth is not found in the things of this world. It’s found in God.
A very wise man told me to read through 1&2 Peter. After a few days if not weeks of prodding, today I took my Dad’s advice and read through these two short books. They’re both encouraging and draining, but absolutely fitting.
Even now as I’m writing this, I’m still conflicted. I have the answers in my head, from wise counsel and the Book. The answers, however, don’t calm what’s raging inside of me. I’m angry. I disappointed. I’m hurt. I’m frustrated. I’m afraid. I’m overwhelmed. I have this ache of sorrow in my chest that clings with an iron fist and won’t let go. I feel like screaming and dissolving into the vegetative state that my soul wishes it could become.
My Ex was right, though. I will never settle for the easy passive life. And that is why the sifting occurs. Those who chose to live a passive life of mediocrity rarely seem to encounter the troubles that others face. I think the truth is, however, that they may encounter the hard points in life, but they choose to avoid them and take the easier way out. They settle. They take what they can get and write the rest off as too difficult or out of their reach. I think many people live this way of life. They let relationships slide because it would be too much effort to make it work. They would have to sacrifice. They would have to TRY, not just be handed something on a plate. That’s another topic entirely, isn’t it?
I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It’s tiring to pretend that everything is fine when it most definitely is not. It’s hard to not pick up a phone and call the ones you want most. It’s torture to let go of someone you want to hang onto just a moment longer. It’s self control, absolutely, but it’s also trying to see the bigger picture beyond my own wishes of the moment. May I learn this lesson quickly and God help me, may I get through this crap to see what lies on the other side.
