“I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.” -Maggie Carpenter:
I’m beginning this blog unsure of weather or not it will be read by anyone other than myself. The thing is, I’m not trying to write this for anyone other than me. This blog has been in the works in my head for a couple weeks now and for the first time in as many weeks, I have a moment in time to set myself to this task. Granted, starting a blog at 1:07 on a Sunday morning might be grounds for being accused of having a slight lapse in judgement, but I don’t care. This isn’t meant to be dramatic, or angsty, or moody. It’s soul purpose is to put to paper, or more accurately to screen, what I have been trying desperately to figure out: me.
The awareness of my complete lack of familiarity with myself came a while back when I realized I was in a place I didn’t want to be, with people I didn’t want to be with, doing things I didn’t want to do. And I asked myself one very simple and obvious question: Why? Why do I go places I don’t want to go with people I don’t want to be with and do things I don’t want to do? The answer isn’t nearly as easy as the question, but it began me on a train of thought that continues even now. The train of thought is this: who am I? Who is this person that I present? How much different is the person who interacts with the world than the one that is merely an idea – a flimsy and undefined idea.
I’ve come to several realizations. People and their opinions of me are far more important than I would ever have previously admitted. I have allowed myself to be changed and influenced by the men I have been with to such an extent that I lose sight of anything other than their wants and interests. I mold my own likes to theirs. I choose what they want over what I would prefer. I force myself to be interested in what they like so that I can somehow gain their approval. I live my life perpetually in defensive mode. I try to anticipate what other people may attack me with and so stand at the ready with whatever barb or smartass remark is necissary to ward off their offense. I even do this with family. I have such an inferiority and failure complex that I don’t even trust my family with my being. I don’t have many close friends because I myself have designed it to be that way. I build walls the size of fort knox to keep out anyone who could possibly be a threat. I fear rejection on every level it can possibly occur.
A perfect example of this would be a current friendship of mine. I’ve only known the guy for a few months, but through that time I have made very sure not to say anything that could possibly lead to an honest conversation. Why? Simple: I respect and like the guy to such an extent that the mere thought of being seen differently and thereby rejected based on that reality is terrifying. I am afraid that the second he knows where I’ve been and what I’ve done, our friendship will be over. So, I present a side of my personality which, while being slightly accurate, is not entirely and all encompassingly real. I don’t say what’s on my mind. I don’t talk about what I feel. Not that I haven’t almost tried…I have. Recently I tested the waters, so to speak, with a few bites of information and a suggestion or two for weekend activities. Granted…the reaction to the piece of my past in question wasn’t all that bad, but that’s not too shocking. What I talked about was very little to do with my own wrong doing, and what was, I admitted. The suggestion about a supposed fieldtrip, however, was rejected and me in my current state of pain-wallowing took it entirely too personally. Thus – back behind the walls we go.
So, I guess that’s a little bit of why I am the way I am. My mom would say that I have excuses for everything. That’s really not the case. I don’t excuse away my behavior or attitudes. I admit that they’re wrong/unhealthy/innacurate – but I point out the reason why they exist in the first place.
Back to the road to self-discovery. I mentioned to my parents (and have acknowledged to myself on many recent occassions) that I’m not even sure what I like and don’t like anymore. I have so allowed what other people think to dictate my opinions that I’ve lost track of my own. So, for the record (and completely off the top of my head) here are some things which I Know I don’t like.
I don’t like…liars, fakes, people who think they are perfect, judgemental people, tomatos, Madonna, Oprah, most things that are trendy, cold mornings, cold showers, cold people, hardcore music, porn, porn stars, girls who want to be porn stars, avocados, anything peanut flavored, dark rooms, quiet cars, dirt, clutter, germs, sickness of any kind, being alone, hate, anger, things that make me look too closely at myself, typical men*, all recent Chevrolet designs – they suck, mexico, people speaking foreign languages in front of me when they speak English just as well – it’s rude, nails on a chalkboard, lakes, ponds, any still body of water, bugs, roaches, criticism, white walls, ignorance, Wahoos, screaming and yelling in church, running commentary exclaimations during church, football, basketball, punk music, emo sheep, sheep in general, clowns, superfluous guns, intollerance, homosexuallity, Godlessness, rude behavior, dissrespectful behavior in public, causing a scene for no reason, rye bread, grape flavored anything, running, sweat, being ignored, being taken for granted, pride, sociopaths, hairy backs, flab, band wagons, anything to do with Chuck Norris, spandex, raw fish, sushi, Metallica, self-obsession, screaming children, empty houses, dirty clothes, pork rinds, most pop music, X-Box, partying, smoking of any kind, drugs, hypocracy, Satan, crappy poetry, arrogance, the “times new roman” font, BFF4ever!, chicks, dirty trays, straw wrappers, food junkies, booth people, selfish ambission, gluttony, lust…
And there’s always the other side of things…
I Do like…God, love, music, acting, theatre, film making, Los Angeles, Family, friends, being held, fiji water, apples, caramel, italian food, dark wood stains, nature, the ocean, the feel of sand between my toes, diving into a wave, being underwater, kisses, laying in the sun, volleyball, soccer, bonfires, lightning, moonlight, thunderstorms, open fields, horses, riding horses, riding dolphins, beauty, offroading, rockclimbing, touch, listening, art, architecture, grapes, laughter, children, rock music, concerts, dance, weaponry, shooting a gun, England, English food, Crunchies, cadbury chocolate, comedy shows, late night drives, impromptu road trips, men in uniform, shaved heads, muscle, color, dorks who are so okay with their dorkiness that other people can point and laugh and they just don’t care, individuals, black, blue, white, leather, the smell of coffee, sugar, ketchup, vinegar, things that sparkle, mint, reading, talking, go-carts, playing sports, being picked up, random phone calls, surprises, affection, silver, grass, photography, old sweaters, lip gloss, lined paper, Pilot G2 0.5 pens, nerts, cards, lamb, backrubs, fast cars, driving fast cars, running barefoot, dancing barefoot, fish, almost any U2 song, cutting lemons, citrus, baths, hot showers, candlelight, being naked, lots of blankets, down pillows, overstuffed chairs, brownies, chocolate in general, glassware, plastic silverware, smiles, honest eyes, guys who play guitar, guys who love God above all else, the Sims 2, iPod, adidas, hudson jeans, frogs, holding hands, cuddling, drinking hot cocoa, whipped cream, a good glass of wine, writing, being persued, hugs, scrammbled eggs, tuna, military hats, four post beds, modern houses, mediteranean style, clouds, dressing up, dressing down, warm socks, light sabres, birds, learning, accomplishing something new, challenges, dreams, dares, giving rather than recieving, loving…
Of course this list is hardly complete…but it’s a start. I threatened to quote a friend of mine – the same friend who gave me the gem in a previous post. He said this:
“I think you should think who you are, what you thrive from, what empowers you, what you like and more important of all….why”
That’s the question of the day. Actually, I think that’s the question of an undefined period of time. I know what I thrive on – God, people, love, honesty, affection, giving, being active, knowing that somehow I’m making a difference…I know what empowers me – God and the people he has given me for the set period of time in question. What I know I am capable of doing and achieving…what I know I stand for. We already went over what I like, some of it profound, most of it trivial. And as of a short while ago…I know what I want.
First and foremost, I want God. I want to know Him, see Him, be with Him, love Him, adore Him and learn what it means to live life accordingly. I want my family, both the one I have now and the one I want to have someday. As far as success goes…Ralph Waldo Emerson had it right:
“To laugh often and love much;
To win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children;
To earn the approval of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give of one’s self without the slightest thought of return;
To have accomplished a task, whether by a healthy child, a rescued soul, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exaltation;
To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.”
Then of course I want Love. I want that other half, the friend, the lover, the companion, the One to share all this with. And if I’m being honest…I fear this will never happen. And it hurts.
Julia Roberts’ character in Runaway Bride, which I quoted earlier, had half of it right. I think that yes, on some levels I am profoundly screwed up. I do think, however, that it is not irreversible. Just bare with me while I work on it.
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Currently listening : Stop the Clocks By Oasis Release date: 21 November, 2006 |
