“And taking the hand of the child, he said to her, “Talitha Cumi“, which is translated, “Little girl, I say to you, get up”.
Mark 5:41
Talitha Cumi.
My headline on myspace, and currently the most fitting verse of the moment. I began the year with my previously stated resolution – to learn as much as I can about Jesus the man in order to gain a more accurate view of God Himself. With such a quest chosen, it is hardly surprising that the past two months have been fraught with an onslaught of opposition. I think the blog directly before this one indicates something to that effect – though toned down a bit from what I was really thinking/feeling. So what does that have to do with the above mentioned verse?
I started using my gym time (which contains on average an hour of cardio machines that leave me bored senseless unless I occupy my mind in someway other than people watching) reading rather than staring blankly. I began reading a book entitled “Can the Real Jesus Still be Found?” by Sigmund Brouwer…I think I’ve mentioned this before. Point being, it took just a few key paragraphs (though not all together, granted) and several observations from the author to give me a profound moment of clarity. He was talking about a visit he had made to the Holy Land, and wrote about his experience in one of the sites thought to have been the tomb in which Jesus was placed. From what I remember (this moment was several weeks ago) it was just a simple comment about how people in those days would have the graves within the tomb pre-dug according to the height of the people they were intended for. The author went on to say that the tomb in question showed that a hasty addition to the length of the grave within the tomb had been made to accommodate a burial other than that of the owner. For some reason, just the simple reality that Jesus was a certain height (average, but taller than that of the tomb owner) and dimension made it even more real that he was indeed perfectly human. This may sound stupid. Reading what I’ve just written, I’m very aware that the above represents perhaps nothing profound to anyone other than myself…never the less, it was while reading this segment and the paragraphs surrounding that I felt my entire being be convicted of the simple fact that the God I’ve claimed allegiance to since I was three did in fact live a human life, and die a very real death – and is still just as real today as He was then. It was such an odd moment to have while sweating at the gym…but so moving I hardly cared where I was or what I was doing. I’m not even sure this paragraph really makes sense…and what about the Verse?
The latter portion of the book contains the gospel of Mark. I read the story of Jesus’ encounter with the girl mentioned, and something about it registered with me in a way that only God could have inspired. As soon as I read those simple verses of Jesus raising the girl from the dead, I thought how true that verse was for me. Up until very recently, I’ve been spending far too much time allowing myself to be beaten down by the crap of every day life. The past six months or so have been spent basically wallowing in my own self-hatred and ambivalence to life. I’d allowed a part of me to die, and the rest of me to become so complacent that I hardly was an accurate representation of what I was created to be. That verse was like God reaching down, taking my hand, and pulling me up and out of the mess I’d got myself into.
Which is exactly what He did this last weekend.
Most people with whom I have daily contact know that I went up north (not quite San Francisco…but still north…) this past weekend. I knew I needed to get out of town. I knew I needed to make the trip by myself, for myself, and give myself as little distraction as possible while I was there. I did a bit of research on the hotels available in the area I wanted to go, and eventually settled on a Best Western in Arroyo Grande – about 15 miles south of San Luis Obispo. I picked this area for several reasons. I was a little familiar with the area from previous visits, I knew it was beautiful, it was far enough away but not too far, and lastly, I knew someone in the area. The last reason was one which was a side note, rather than a focal point. As much as I would have wanted to spend time with the person in question (seriously…you have no idea…) I knew it could take away from the mission of the weekend. The whole point of the trip was simply this: to deal with the garbage, get right with God, and move on. To break if need be, and hopefully come back as something resembling the person I’m more familiar with – me. I was tired of living behind a detached facade and feeling nothing more than the occasional burst of anguish. Oh, that sounds dramatic, doesn’t it?
But it’s true. So, I made the drive up north and spent the next two days self-sequestered. The first night I spent two hours straight writing out six months worth of events spanning my return from Georgia up until about a week ago. Why? Simple. There’s just some things I won’t talk about. These pages contained every detail of the events in question as well as my reaction (both internal and external) to the moments themselves. It was everything that had happened which I refused to talk about…but that was destroying me from the inside out. Once in written form, I read through it all and broke.
The thing is, it’s all too big for me to handle. Me, the past, the future, my own hangups and hurt and over-analyzing…it’s too much. So, I let go and let God take over. What followed was about 36 hours of learning a new way to function. (side note: part of the time I spent reading “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldridge…to all the women in my life, I HIGHLY recommend reading this book.) Utter reliance on God, and allowing everything that I found to be so important from the world’s perspective to become completely irrelevant. The end result?
Peace. Believing for the first time that I am enough. Being content with what and who God has and will give me. And most importantly – an end to the striving. That constant drive to be good enough, or attractive enough, or skinny enough, or successful enough…etc. That doesn’t mean I stop caring, but it does mean that the obsessive fixations I had on the previously mentioned ideas has finally been put to death. It’s amazing what can happen in three days.
So, does all this classify as a massive over share? Likely. I simply put this out there to share the most meaningful events in the recent life of yours truly. I can’t put into words exactly what I want to convey through this thing…so the above will have to suffice. Well, it’s late (or early, more accurately) and sleep calls.
