There are so many categories wherein the average blog may fall. Social commentary, ceremonial soul-purging, purging in general, depressive self-indulgence, parroted brilliance, humorous (even if only to the author) observation, news-bulletin esque briefs, fluffy piles of glorified fecal matter…you get the point. This blog will undoubtedly fall into most if not all of the above mentioned categories.
The last time I wrote was a short time after my trip to SLO. So much has happened since then, it’s quite remarkable. Things I never though would happen, have. Things I perhaps hoped would happen, haven’t. The unexpected and the utterly predictable come together to weave their bit into the tapestry of this thing called life. As far as notable events go, over the past few weeks I have chosen the path of my scholastic future, officially tendered my resignation for one job, been given another almost on what would seem to be a God-given platter, and overall made a rather interesting about-face in several areas of my life. In reality, the contents of the previous sentence have all taken place within the past three weeks – three weeks which have been a whirl-wind-like experience that has left me a bit disoriented, perhaps, but otherwise so blissfully thankful it’s a bit ridiculous.
In the past I’ve experienced the epitome of the roller coaster ride of life – plateaus of familiarity, peaks of grandeur, and then the plummet into the abyss of crippling depression and self-hatred. It seems like I am never able to maintain the level of thinking/feeling/whatevering required to keep me on that psychological/emotional/mental/spiritual high. Yes, life is full of rises and falls…this I very well understand. Really, it’s the staggering difference between these varying states which leaves me frustrated and despondent. My moments of Epiphany and joyful clarity are almost immediately interrupted by the (supposed) reality of: this too shall pass…and I’ll be right back to where I started. Such was my experience after returning from SLO. The high lasted for a week, two weeks tops. Then followed the expected slip and slide back down to where I started.
Almost. Somewhere in the fall, I did what I haven’t been able to successfully do in the past. I reached out to something outside of myself and clung on for dear life. This may sound overly dramatic, but if you’ve ever dealt with depression so chokingly real that you’d rather die than have to face another moment in your own head, you may understand where I’m coming from. Having been in that place too many times to count, I desperately wanted to never have to return. God is a God of miracles, and indeed my life continues to be proof to that effect. Not only did He manage to bring me back up from that place, but he also placed a few key people in my life to aid in keeping me there. The thing is, the falls don’t come out of nowhere. They’re all triggered by something, usually one of a handful of hot-button issues I have. What is key in avoiding these relapses (at least in my case) is finally dealing with these issues and laying them to rest. These people have been the listening ear, the crying shoulder, the brutal voice of reason, and the frequently sought after source of prayer which has been key in this whole turn-about experience.
Of course by no means am I implying that I’m all better now. We’re all works in process, weather we realize it or not. I certainly am NO exception. I merely take a moment of reflection to marvel at the difference a bit of time can make. Rather, what a bit of “I will seek you, God, no matter what” can do. Most of life is made up of a series of choices. There are moments that make us, that change the course of who we’re going to be – it’s those moments where we’re faced with a choice. Do we choose good over evil? What’s quick and easy, or what’s time-consuming but worth it? Light over dark? Life over death. My choice in reality was between the last two.
The above was written over a week ago, and now trying to pick up on this thread and continue to where this would have ended if was indeed finished in a single sitting…is damn near impossible. The truth of it, though, is unchanging. For me, every day is a battle. Maybe it’s like that for other people, I’m not sure. The funny thing is that as aware as I am of my own tendency to over-share, I can’t help but think that I can’t possibly be the only one that thinks these things. What is it, then, that makes everyone put on a mask of stoic bravery and masquerade themselves as everything other than what they are – human. Fallible. Flawed. In need of something much bigger than themselves. The truly brutally honest and beautifully unmasked are the ones I hold dear. Oh, what a tangent that could be…
I think the point of this blog was originally to update the select audience who reads these things with the recent developments in what I call my life. In that regard, things are very much on the precipice of something, well, unique to say the least. There’s the process of school-registering, learning a new job, trying to find time to be active despite my odd schedule, friends, family, the overwhelming task of cleaning up the disaster which I call my room after my oh-so-brilliant (not) idea of purging my closet and dressers of everything…then there’s the personal stuff. Someone incredibly precious is back in the picture, though in what capacity is yet to be seen. Then there’s the one(s) who’s silence hurts far more deeply than they probably know. That said, little of the above is of much concern. No matter what is flying around me and what is hitting the fan…I am still in the palm of His hand. And there is where I choose to remain.
I’m not sure what it is that compels me to write this type of blog. I am under no false delusion of my own brilliance nor earth shatteringly profound…whatever. Sometimes I just have to write. So there’s that.
