This blog is writing with zero intentions of grandure. Instead it is merely an attempt to process through words what I can’t seem to manage just through thought. A lot of thought. Too much thought. Too much time wrapped up in my head and stuck there going round and round the same crap heap, going faster and more fragmented so that gradually over time, instead of making sense of it all I feel my sanity slowly slipping away…
I’ve had one conversation with one person which bordered on honesty. Probably about 98% honesty. Of what I talked about. What I didn’t go over was minimal, but still part of the same crap heap and probably should be aired. My conflict is the sick feeling I get whenever my portrayal of myself resembles drama. I hate drama. I hate angst, and yet I seem to get myself into these ridiculously dramatic and angst ridden situations. Some of it is reaping the consequences of my past – a conclusion I came to yesterday.
My past. Something I’m realizing may well be close to being dead and buried. Thank God. I saw someone yesterday who was a key element in my original fall from grace, so to speak. I knew throughout the majority of the day that I would be seeing him in the evening, and was remarkably distracted. All day I was focused on what I hated about my current state and how I wished it could be different, with the soul intention being to make him want me again. There’s something about how we related to each other back then that I wanted to know I could still resurrect in him. Something completely wrong for me to want, mind you, but just the knowledge would have been enough. As it turns out, when we saw each other for the first time in what has to be a couple years…there was nothing. Zero. No spark, no draw, no attachment – nothing. Realistically, I should see this as a blessing. Considering the fact that this is the ONE person I could rarely say no to in years past and the ONE person I always found myself gravitating towards regardless of how damaging I knew it was…considering all this I should have been relieved. Instead I felt, once again, that there must be something incredibly wrong with me. What is it about me now. So then I’m hyper aware of the fact that my body feels off and odd and uncomfortable because I’ve spent the last three days freaking out about my weight. The conclusion was that maybe time really has taken away whatever it was that was between us. I suppose I should thank God.
Yeah, about THAT Guy. We’ll talk about Him later.
I’m out here in Phoenix to visit a friend from high school. i came out here with an Ex of mine – something EVERYONE was skeptical about. They think he still has a thing for me – regardless of the fact that he has straight up told me that he does not. I wonder too, granted, but I’m left with little choice but to believe him. I was, however, getting worried that people’s constant reminding of our history and their mention that he still likes me and their warnings about spending too much time together would make me think I liked him again. Thankfully, I have a remarkable amount of clarity about that situation now. I don’t want ANYTHING to do with him as anything other than a friend. I had wondered if my feelings would go back that way…and in less that two days of each others presense (not to mention consuming a decent amount of alcohol and STILL not being attracted to him) I’m more interested in being separate from him in most situations. Once again, I suppose I should thank God.
So, over a week after the above was written, I’m attempting to pick up from where I left off. The odd/good part of this is realizing that I’m not exactly in the same place I was then. At that time I honest to God felt like I was going insane. Nothing was fixing it. Not reading, not talking, not sleep, nor any manner of comfort food – nothing. I’m not sure what caused the shift, but at the moment I’m a lot closer to stable than I felt then. Really, there’s only a couple situations of notable mention that are currently on my mind. As usual, they’re guy related.
Two guys. One I’d LOVE to proclaim irrelevant. He should be. For many reasons, one in particular, he SHOULD be irrelevant. But my mind is caught up on him and I have yet to figure out how to rid him from my thoughts. Perhaps is the element of the forbidden, maybe it’s something else. Playing with fire. That’s what this situation is.
Then there’s the other one. The one part of me wants to be able to consider unimportant but at the same time is someone I feel is not unimportant in any way. He’s someone I find myself falling for despite the ambiguity of our situation. I just wish the situation would gain some clarity or some sort of resolution. Apparently God is trying to teach me patience.
God. The One who should matter most. The One I’ve referred to as the love of my life…and the one most silent at this point in time. I already felt abandoned by my parents, but then to feel abandoned by my God as well…
The above was written on October 13, 07. It is nearly six months later. I shake my head at what I remarked upon as being irrelevant…how very wrong I was. I’m not sure where I was going with this, but figured it deserved posting.
