Archive for June, 2008

The Blog About The Last Time

{ June 30, 2008 @ 3:42 am } · { PG, Poet }
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Let this be the last time
The last time I beg forgiveness for the exact same crime
It was the same way
In the same place
The same deliberate fall from grace
Father, will this be the last time?

I’ve confessed the sin before
And I find myself on the same path again
Like a treasure sought in dark of night
I seek and find this familiar friend

I stand and knock at the door
And await the answer that lies within
With bated breath and a restless heart
I know how this scene will begin

I know know how the tryst will play out
My actions leave little to doubt
I’ll do what I will
And part of my soul I will kill
And continue I will down this route

His arms will reach for and take me
What nourishes also destroys me
Take one more hit of hell
One for the road, might as well
This road is sure to break me

The fight returns at daybreak’s light
And I’ll rise and head for the door
I’ll leave once again with some heartfelt words
They’re words I’ve said before.

Again I walk to the same escape
And again I speak to a broken heart
My own stays cold and boarded up
He will not see me fall apart

But fall I will in the same old place
In the same hard stone of my fall from grace
I land at the foot of the one who died
And again put aside my foolish pride

Will this be the last time?
The last time to forgive the exact same crime
Is there ever an end
A new way to begin
Father, let this be the last time.

The Blog With the Baby

{ June 3, 2008 @ 6:35 am } · { G }
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I was excited for Saturday night. I had plans with my best girl friend to go over to one of her band members houses. In truth, it was the guy himself who had invited me the day before, and I passed along the idea to my friend. From what I’ve seen, this guy’s awesome. There’s something in his eyes and voice which I find incredibly endearing. He has a girlfriend, so that’s not a real possibility. What’s more, he has a child.

It’s the baby which made my heart melt that night. This little boy is about nine months old and he is perfect. He’s beautiful, bright, and has the sweetest temperament possible. He immediately accepted me as a part of his world as I joined him on the floor and encouraged him to crawl over and sit on my lap. We hung out for a few minutes and holding this small child in my arms stirred my heart as it hasn’t been touched in a while. In only his diaper, the softness of his skin and the trust he put in me as he grasped my fingers for support as he walked across the living room floor – it made me long for the dream which has long occupied my dreams of the future.

I watched throughout that night as the baby’s father interacted with the child. He is an amazing father. Completely in love with his son. At the slightest stir heard from upstairs, he would immediately vault up the stair case towards his son’s bedroom. His heart for this baby was such a great thing to witness. The morning was even better, though. As I went upstairs to say goodbye, he lay on the bed partially under the covers with the boy cradled by his arm next to him. The baby was contentedly drinking his bottle while his father watched. Once again, I felt that tug on my heart.

Maybe it’s because of the draw I feel at times to this one or it’s because of the sweetness of the child, but the scene is one I have trouble pushing aside. It also represents something which I long for in this lifetime. Both the relationship with the significant other (though, his personal situation is somewhat less than stellar and likely on its way out) and the love of a child of my own. I’ve had this reality presented as possibility on several occasions, and now it seems as if that dream has been pushed beyond my reach. No, that doesn’t mean I’m going to get all crazy and desperate. Hardly. It just means that this season is one of longing and emptiness. I am trying to allow Christ to fill that void, but it is a battle. I want to be loved by someone here on earth. I want the kind of love I can trust and rely on no matter what firestorm life throws us. I want my partner in this life – one who I can build up and encourage, take care of and nurture…but also someone who will care for me in turn. It’s a partnership, relationships. Each posses the necessary strengths and weaknesses to compliment the other and together they are whole.

I’m getting sappy and romantic here. It’s 11:53pm, and I should be sleeping. I just have this longing going on and it’s making me think back to the recent relationship and the pain of leaving everything that was. I have to remind myself of the conviction I had and have regarding this situation. It’s all that keeps me silent and separate. Anyway. It’s bed time. Goodnight.

The Blog About God

{ June 1, 2008 @ 5:28 pm } · { Legitimate Insight, Poet }
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There have been many influences and voices lately which have offered sentiments both new and old in regards to me, my life, and my relationship with God. There have been some recurring themes, some amazing words of encouragement, and some brilliant moments of near euphoric awareness of being held in the palm of the Almighty’s hand. One of the coolest moments I’ve had was during my drive to Arizona last week. I remembered something that Mike Erre had said about love. He said that real love involved risk. Obviously, on a human level I understand this one completely. On another level, though, it was as if something finally clicked and I saw it from a different perspective. I’m usually one who takes little chances without knowing the outcome of the situation. I won’t risk acknowledging emotions or feelings for someone if I think they’re not on the same page. I very much wait for them to take the initiative. Likewise, my relationship with God has been a wrestling match between finding psychological, logical, historical, and evidential proof that He is who he says He is and Christianity is the ‘right’ choice, and believing with a childlike trusting faith. The second doesn’t come easily to me.

I have trouble trusting that He is good when I see so much unexplained bad. I doubt Him as a perfect and trustworthy shepherd because I’ve seen things in both my life and the lives of others which lead me to think otherwise. When I reflected on the notion of love meaning risk, I realized that my love for God involves that kind of risk. Certainly, I can look at all the reasons why I choose to live with the beliefs I do, but as we’re trusting in a God who can not be seen, there is little tangible proof of His existence. I have felt His presence like a tingling fire on my flesh when my heart and soul is focussed entirely on Him, but I always question whether I’m right or whether I’m taking a chemical reaction in my body or a stray emotion and running somewhere inaccurate with it.

The words spoke to me and over me recently have mostly related to things I’ve known before. In fact, many of them I had to chuckle at because they are almost directly relevant to something I wrote last year. I hadn’t planned on writing it out anywhere public, but as this is a select forum…I’ll share. What follows is essentially my walk with God put to words.

In dark of night with only fire to guide me
It burns my clothes and singes my path
My flesh remains untouched
Your had surrounds me
Your breath lives in me
Your light will hide me
Even in darkness, hold me and I’ll be fine

My soul longs for and finds you
Through the tears your goodness shines through
You confuse me and leave me guessing
But I trust you. My God, I trust you

When dreams seem past and faded
My view of life is completely jaded
But still I will seek and I’ll get to you
I see you’re always with me
Regardless of what I’m going through
Just take my hand, I will go
I will follow you, Father. I will go

Jesus, my love, your beloved I’ll remain
I dance before you
Take my joy in seeing you
Take my life, God, I’ll serve you
I adore you
Live for you
Take my hand I’ll be just fine
I am yours, I will keep you as mine

Let my life be pleasing to you
May your heart beat the rhythm I dance to
I will sing at the top of my lungs and rejoyce
Because my Father loes me
Not by force but by choice
So forsake the world and live for you
Give up with striving and delight in you

I am fearfully, wonderfully, beautifully made
Perfection in your eyes
May that be all that matters
All that I need

I need you, my God
Don’t hide yourself from me
I will climb up this hill
And not leave until you bless me
Even if this world destroys me
I will rise from the ashes
I will fly to you

Hold me in your arms, only then I’ll survive
May the shade of your presence
Be where my soul rests and is alive
Fill my heart with your love
Keep my eyes on you
Take my hand and guide me
Be my strength
I will find you

In the waiting, I will find you.

- September 14, 2007

Currently reading :
The Sacred Romance: Drawing Closer to the Heart of God
By Brent Curtis