The Ramblings of A Muse

I was excited for Saturday night. I had plans with my best girl friend to go over to one of her band members houses. In truth, it was the guy himself who had invited me the day before, and I passed along the idea to my friend. From what I’ve seen, this guy’s awesome. There’s something in his eyes and voice which I find incredibly endearing. He has a girlfriend, so that’s not a real possibility. What’s more, he has a child.

It’s the baby which made my heart melt that night. This little boy is about nine months old and he is perfect. He’s beautiful, bright, and has the sweetest temperament possible. He immediately accepted me as a part of his world as I joined him on the floor and encouraged him to crawl over and sit on my lap. We hung out for a few minutes and holding this small child in my arms stirred my heart as it hasn’t been touched in a while. In only his diaper, the softness of his skin and the trust he put in me as he grasped my fingers for support as he walked across the living room floor – it made me long for the dream which has long occupied my dreams of the future.

I watched throughout that night as the baby’s father interacted with the child. He is an amazing father. Completely in love with his son. At the slightest stir heard from upstairs, he would immediately vault up the stair case towards his son’s bedroom. His heart for this baby was such a great thing to witness. The morning was even better, though. As I went upstairs to say goodbye, he lay on the bed partially under the covers with the boy cradled by his arm next to him. The baby was contentedly drinking his bottle while his father watched. Once again, I felt that tug on my heart.

Maybe it’s because of the draw I feel at times to this one or it’s because of the sweetness of the child, but the scene is one I have trouble pushing aside. It also represents something which I long for in this lifetime. Both the relationship with the significant other (though, his personal situation is somewhat less than stellar and likely on its way out) and the love of a child of my own. I’ve had this reality presented as possibility on several occasions, and now it seems as if that dream has been pushed beyond my reach. No, that doesn’t mean I’m going to get all crazy and desperate. Hardly. It just means that this season is one of longing and emptiness. I am trying to allow Christ to fill that void, but it is a battle. I want to be loved by someone here on earth. I want the kind of love I can trust and rely on no matter what firestorm life throws us. I want my partner in this life – one who I can build up and encourage, take care of and nurture…but also someone who will care for me in turn. It’s a partnership, relationships. Each posses the necessary strengths and weaknesses to compliment the other and together they are whole.

I’m getting sappy and romantic here. It’s 11:53pm, and I should be sleeping. I just have this longing going on and it’s making me think back to the recent relationship and the pain of leaving everything that was. I have to remind myself of the conviction I had and have regarding this situation. It’s all that keeps me silent and separate. Anyway. It’s bed time. Goodnight.