Archive for September, 2008

The Blog That’s Not Lite

{ September 27, 2008 @ 3:25 pm } · { Not for the faint of heart, R }
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It’s quiet.  Asher’s asleep laying curled up against my side.  I sit here in bed in complete darkness, with only the computer screen as a source of light.  The only sound is that of my fan as it moves a cool breeze across my skin, and the methodical tapping of my keyboard as I write.  The stillness is welcome.  I myself, have been in an odd state of mind – both still and internally writhing, for the majority of the day.  Today.  Today felt like five rolled into one.  Much like the day before that.  And the remainder of the days prior in this week…and the two weeks before that.

Realistically, the last three weeks haven’t been as bad as today by a long shot.  They’ve been difficult, to be certain.  I’ve mentioned before my living situation and the issues surrounding that one.  I’ve also mentioned work to some extent, but perhaps not to the degree it has earned.  We started a new school year almost a month ago, and the time since has been a battlefield from 8 to 2:30 every day of the work week.  Some days have been better than others, but the majority have resembled a war zone.

Last year I was in a classroom with a completely different dynamic.  I mentioned my co-worker in many prior posts as he played a decent role in my life both professionally and in the influence his advice made over the rest of my situation.  I am sad when I remember the level of drama and ridiculousness that happened, and I wish there was a way to change the impression I’m sure I gave.  I enjoyed working with this guy – even though he frustrated the hell out of me at times.  He’s an awesome guy, and pretty cool to work with.  The kids we had in the classroom were also pretty decent.  There were between 10 and 12 depending on the time of the semester, but they were middle school and for the most part significantly more manageable than some of the other personalities at the school.  I loved going to work.  I enjoyed my job.

Then came this semester.  My former other work-half moved on to another school so I’m with a different teacher in a different classroom.  Fine. Fair enough.  The dynamic is what has been pushing me further and further.  The entire school has been a mad house with the new kids we’ve gotten and being understaffed.  I used to be a part of crisis situations maybe once or twice a week at max, and only had to give chase maybe once or twice at ALL during last semester.  This year, I’m lucky if I go a day without having to follow a student off campus and drag their asses back.  There hasn’t been a single day this year when I haven’t been called into a crisis situation, and few if any days where I haven’t been part of at least one or more restraints.  I’ve been hit.  I’ve been kicked.  I’ve been spit at.  I’ve been called every manner of profane and obscene thing you could think of, and insulted just as much to match.  Last year I faced some of this, but because of my relationship and the presence of my teacher, I never felt physically unsafe.  Our kids knew what was expected, and knew the result if they failed to behave.  No, it didn’t stop them from being turds, but they were seldom physically assaultive and weren’t stupid enough to try being assaultive towards me.

This year, it’s a bit of a different story.  I have a group of older, stronger, dumber, and more “high profile” personalities and behaviors.  The past two weeks specifically have been whittling away at my sense of security and safety when it comes to work.  I’ve had enough kids get in my face or push the physical boundary issue, and it wears after a while.  Yesterday was a day of exceptionally bad caliber.  I spent the last 45 minutes of the school day in a an empty classroom, alone, with a 15 year old kid who spent the entire time speaking obscene, sexually explicit, and incredibly demeaning things to me – about me, about him and me, and about me and various other members of staff.  I put up with the situation and ignored him for the most part, but I still ended up significantly bothered by that evening.  I wrote up the report that night and handed it in this morning.  Then, this morning happened.

I was again given supervision of this student in a room separated from the rest of the class and staff.  Today, his words were significantly worse.  I endured hearing the most violently sexually explicit descriptions of what he wanted to do to me, the most vile acts spelled out in graphic and profane form, and then asked to perform such acts while in the room.  It got even better when he started making threats about getting a firearm and “blowing [my] fucking head off”.  The icing on the cake?  The bastard actually dared to touch me.  More than once.

Once someone else took over supervision, I went into an office downstairs.  I had spent the last 30 minutes pretending to be indifferent to what he was saying.  The kid is looking for attention and a reaction…neither of which he will get from me.  I spent a while in the office not okay before tracking down my current co-worker and letting him know where I was and that I needed a bit to pull it together and work with the class again.  I had to fight through the words and broke in several places.  He was awesome about it and told me to do whatever I needed to do and not worry about the class.  I was thankful, but still pissed that I’d gotten visibly upset in front of a co-worker.

Eventually, I ended up in another area of the downstairs building and my main boss came and found me.  I’m assuming one of my other co-workers informed him of the situation and where I was, as he seemed to be there for the sole purpose of talking to me.  He stayed for around 15 minutes and was pretty much amazing about the whole thing.  My boss is someone who intimidates me to some extent.  He has a ton of experience in this field, is phenomenal at his job, is hardly difficult on the eyes, and is only a couple years older than me.  Today he proved once again his knack for adapting to the individual in each unique situation, but this time that individual was me.  Hardly a situation I thought I’d be in.  It bothered me to spend the first few minutes unable to look him in the eye as he sat next to me, while I stared blankly and relayed parts of the situation and what was going on with me through the choke of emotional nonsense.  Several times I had to stop mid sentence or take a longer than usual break between verbal exchange to try to keep from crying in front of him.  I failed a couple times, on that count, but eventually got to the point of being able to make eye contact.  It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s the simple fact that he’s a male authority figure added to the fact that he’s the general Go-To guy who intervenes in the most difficult of crisis situations.  He’s someone who I feel safe around, but add that to the previous sentence, and the likely hood of me being able to not fall apart around him is minimal to say the least.

My point in writing isn’t really for the play by play.  I can’t go into details of what was said during the episode with the kid because it’s technically confidential, but besides that, the language and content is something I don’t think anyone should have to hear – ever.  I had to live it, re-read it, then write it in SIR form before eventually handing the final copy to my boss.  Just reading it while typing up the report made me feel as if I was going to vomit.

Again.  The play by play isn’t the point.

The point is I’m struggling.  I’ve been given the option to file a report personally and potentially press charges against the kid (yes, it’s THAT bad), but I’m not sure about that course of action.  For me…I just feel both numb and like wretching.  I don’t even fully understand why my reaction was so strong, and more importantly why I didn’t get over it quickly.  Even now, if I re-read the report which I have a copy of, I still get the choke of emotion and go into protective mode again.  With my boss, I know I went into the same mode.  His presence helped, as he’s someone I respect and feel safe around, but when he asked me what I needed or what he could do for the situation, I didn’t have an answer.

I still don’t.  I feel violated.  I’m confused as to why it’s become such a big deal to some extent, though I realize it’s likely because sexual violence is such a trigger for me.  I’ve pretty much decided not to file the report just yet.  if anything happens in the future, I have the paper trail of reports, and that would aid in potential legal involvement.  Damn it.  That’s not the fucking point.  The point is that this chapter in life keeps getting more painful, and any reprieve to speak of doesn’t even seem to be on the horizon.

Last night I realized at least partially why all this is building up to such a massive pile of pain.  I go from a hostile environment during the day to a passive and uncaring one at night.  In truth, when asked by my boss what I needed, the only thing I wanted at that moment was to be held.  No, I don’t have a thing for my boss.  That’s not it.  What I lack right now is the support and comfort I used to have in various relationships.  I’m obviously single, so the male aspect is lacking.  The one who claimed to be a close friend and is also the one I live with, I haven’t made a single mention of all this to as I know she honestly couldn’t care less.  Genearally, I leave work, pick up Asher, then head over to my parents.  It’s the only place where we both can go that feels comfortable.  Such a lack of comfort, support, and companionship…and it’s all becoming too much.  Work wouldn’t be nearly as hard if there was a secure home life to balance it out.

There are always placebos, as I have refered to them as in the past.  Random male relationships who could be called upon for a way to pass the time with company.  Fact is, there’s only one who I want around in that way – and at the moment he’s not an option.  Well, at the very least for another few weeks he’s not an option.  Beyond that, only God knows where things will go with that one – and I’m scared.  I don’t like feeling for people when I don’t know what the outcome will be.  It’s not comfortable.  I hold back on getting attached to people to protect myself, and when one gets through the armor and finds his way into my heart…I’m afraid.  I could either be in for someone amazing, or in for another round of heartache.  This also, is besides the point.

If God is trying to teach me the lesson once again to fully rely upon Him for everything…then fine.  I get it.  I know that’s the idea and I know in my head that I need to let go and trust Him for everything that is up in the air.  Right now, there’s just so MUCH in the air, that I can’t help but feel unstable.  Home.  Work.  Relationships.  All important things which require answers sooner rather than later…and I haven’t even a glimmer of an idea where God’s going with all this.  Right now, I’m just deflated.  I’m scared.  I’m lonely.  I want for one, and haven’t a clue how it will turn out.  As I say to everyone else, “This too shall pass”.  I just hope its passing is swift and perhaps less painful.

The Blog About An Anomaly

{ September 20, 2008 @ 3:18 pm } · { Legitimate Insight, PG }
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Last night I went out to Los Angeles with a girl friend of mine to see her band play at the Kat Club.  I’ve had plenty of contact with the guys in the band before, one of which has become something I’m almost comfortable calling a friend.  He’s an amazing guy, and I’ve mentioned him in previous posts – first as a blip, then as a father – but really those two pieces of information are irrelevant.  The band its self is incredibly talented, and he is gifted at what he does.  This blog isn’t about him, really.  He may have been a character of the evening, but there were others just like him who wove together to form the scene of my night.  Now that I think of it, he wasn’t really just like the others.  He and I are similar in some regards, and whether he identifies it for precisely what it is or not, he has one particular likeness which made me feel marginally less fish-out-of-water esque.

I haven’t seen this particular girl friend for a while.  Our friendship goes through phases, and as we no longer work with each other, the daily reminder of each others presence has been missing for a few months.  She’s someone I enjoy hanging out with, but at the same time have to be a bit guarded around.  She and I come from very different worlds, have very different beliefs, and just as different standards for what we deem to be acceptable.  On the drive to Los Angeles, there were two more with us.  One of them is a former roommate of my friend, and someone I’ve met before.  The other is a guy friend of theirs who is a musician – a rather attractive musician, mind you – and he was new to my acquaintance.  The three of them fit together quite seamlessly – they drink, party, sleep around, and swear like sailors.  Then there’s me.

I saddens be to say that at one point, I too melded with the likes of them quite well…minus the whole sleeping around thing.  The point is, no matter what beliefs or standards I claimed to hold, my demeanor and actions led a life of hypocrisy.  They blatantly contradicted each other, and made those around me skeptical of what I really was.  Last night was slightly different.  Actually, it was very different.

I remember sitting in the back seat with the male of the group while we all exchanged friendly banter about all manner of topics.  There were some I was significantly more involved with – especially when it came to my work and the kinds of things I deal with.  Then there were other topics where I became the fly on the wall.  The topics when converstational subject matter became obscene and derogatory to whichever person had fallen victim to their focus, these were the ones I had little if anything to say to.  As I sat there, I noticed the distinct feeling of sadness that these three daily sold themselves over to that which will never satisfy and will do nothing but leave them damaged.  On the same note, I sat there fully aware of the stark difference between them and I, and in turn the difference between who I was and who I am.  It’s odd really, but there was a slight feeling of glee when my friend remarked upon the fact that I’d said a swear word – even if it was just quoting someone else.  Time was, my language was shades more than colorful.  I still have moments of outburst, but for the most part my speech has been cleaned up significantly.  While they rattled on about things I didn’t have the heart to join, I switched my station of focus to Someone Else entirely.

As was the situation later that night.  I went with another member of the band up to the Rainbow Room before the show, and we sat down and talked for a while over a drink.  I still do have the occasional drink, but never when I feel like I “need” it (as that would be a comfort or avoidance thing), and no longer do I feel the need to get intoxicated.  As long as it is in clear conscience, I feel no problem with it.  Our conversation went all over the place, but ended up on relationships and learning about yourself post-break up.  The guy had broken up with a girl he was with for three years, just three months ago.  Since then he’s gone through somewhat of a transformation, including dropping 20 lbs due to exercising and a different style.  We talked about the loneliness and sadness that comes with the end of relationships, but I turned that note towards the notion of thankfulness.  Not only am I glad for the changes in ME that have occured over the last few months, but I’m thankful for the change of where I tend to put my focus.  My focus doesn’t reside on the crap going on around me.  I’ve had a pretty dramatic and in some ways draining and physically painful week.  My work has put me through the ringer and my body has born the marks of minimal abuse.  Even so, I can’t sit there and whine about it or focus on the truly horrible things I’ve seen and been a part of.  That’s not what matters.  There’s a bigger picture to focus on – and that is what brings hope, not sadness at what currently is.

And that’s where the theory behind the title of this blog comes into play.  As the night progressed, the band went on, I sat with the male element of our group and talked a little about our backgrounds, then later about our faith.  The group moved back to the Rainbow Room (which had FILLED considerably, and the paparazzi had taken up watch over the front as celebrities are known to loiter there) and we ended up in the upstairs bar of the place.  Amidst scantily clad, insecure, and obviously available women and men who were eyeballing the buffet of flesh for their next appetizer, I felt remarkably separate.  Upstairs as I conversed with the same guy, after he had expressed interest in me, I still felt removed from both him and the surroundings.  I didn’t fit.  And neither, really, did the band member friend I mentioned at the beginning.

One of the coolest things about that night (well, at that point, morning) was standing in the middle of a packed and loud bar with this friend, and spending somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes talking about his life and situation and how God fits the equation.  This friend has an incredible heart, and it’s one that is not appreciated or valued by the significant other he has a child with.  My heart hurts for this guy as I see the amount of effort (working over 60 hours a week while she doesn’t do a thing) he puts into making sure his son is taken care of, while being ignored, criticized, and nagged for nothing.  She takes and takes and offers nothing in return – a situation remarkably similar to that of the other party which started the shinanigans of my situation last year.  It kills me to see this guy miserable, wanting out (they’re not married), but being terrified at losing his son to her vindictive side.  We talked for a while about how he’s allowed God into the situation, and how he hasn’t.  We talked about the character of God – something I’m more in love with than ever before, and all in all had a pretty amazing conversation.

In the middle of a debaucherous bar where Ron Jeremy and Lindsay Lohan were hanging out downstairs, the two of us, we were an anomaly.

And I love it.  The guy who came in the car with us asked why I didn’t entertain the guys who showed obvious interest.  My response was what I’ve learned: I could turn a hundred heads or none – and it wouldn’t matter in the slightest.  At the end of the day, it’s pretty inconsequential.  Who I am and what I want out of life isn’t affected by the amount of attention I get or advances come my way.  Both are rooted in something much bigger than that.  This turn of topic got us into a pretty cool conversation about God and faith and what living that out looks like.

What I’m learning at this stage is the reality of living out what I claim to believe.  Last year and the start of this one, those around me stared with jaws on the floor at the nonsense I took part in.  Those who knew me before and found out after couldn’t believe that I had done something so contradictory to my personality and character.  I realize now that the huge discrepancies happen because there are a hundred little ones that came before them.  Every compromise, every settle for less, they cut away at the resolve to be in this world and not be owned by it.  Last year was a culmination of many things, but the result of just this – the repeated stripping away of one standard after another and an increasing tolerance for what I never before found acceptable.  Last night was a beautiful picture of what is slowly being restored – me.  A bit of an anomaly.

Ralph Waldo Emerson was a brilliant man.  He said it quite well:

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Blog About Now vs. Then

{ September 13, 2008 @ 11:16 pm } · { Legitimate Insight }
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The last seven days have been another crash course of learning in this mini-semester filled season of life. I learned quite a bit about myself, both good and bad.  Some of it I’ve noticed on my own, but there has been a surprising amount pointed out by those around me.  The bummer of this particular set of lessons is not really what I’ve learned about me – though there is plenty to not be proud of.  The down side is what these lessons about me have illuminated about those around me.  Ambiguous enough?

I’ve had several personality flaws and weaknesses called out within the past few days.  I’m thankful for these, though they hurt to hear.  If my actions have been perceived in a way which is unintended, then I am grateful to be aware of it so it can be changed.  The notion that anything I have said or done has come across as bitchy or mean bothers me.  One of my co-workers said to me on Friday that much of what I say comes out with far more attitude than I thought – and the rest of it sounds defensive.  I wrote a little while back about how my behavior has been on the defensive for the last year.  Work was a different beast entirely, but the rest of my life coupled with the situation at work brought out an abnormal pattern of being overly dramatic and snapping back far more than was necessary.  It hurts to know that I’ve acted this way.  It was never my intention and certainly is something I’m trying to remedy.

My character is something which was called into question yesterday by someone who once claimed the title of “best friend”.  I say once because her previous proclamations of friendship have now been taken back and excused away as her having “gone through a really abnormal time” and “saying and doing things [she] probably shouldn’t have”.  Ok.  Making mistakes is one thing, but calling upon another person to be your lifeline and be on call literally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, regardless of whatever the other is trying to get through themselves…and then ditching them after you’ve been “fixed” and returning to whoever you pushed away at the time…that’s pretty ridiculous.  In reality, she put my life on hold, pulled me and my entire family into her problems, relied on all of us to be her support and strength (because her own family and friends couldn’t deal), and openly (and without request to do so) declared the lot of us to be a part of her life “forever”.  As for me, I lost sleep due to being up with her till all hours of the morning while she broke down, I stuck by her while her friends and family criticized and insulted me and mine – with zero provocation or grounds to do so, I got in trouble at work as a result of her behavior and the request to be the savior during her most serious of break downs, and I became her personal therapist and shouldered an enormous amount of mental and psychological nonsense.  Having stated all that, I don’t look back on it and complain…I look back on it and can’t fathom the kind of person who would take so much, promise so much, and then see no problem with excusing away any sort of keeping to her word simply by saying that it was a unique circumstance.  It’s not a sense of entitlement.  It’s not a sense of “you owe me”.  If there had been no titles given, and no statements of friendship or loyalty, then the above wouldn’t be of as much consequence.  It would hurt, absolutely.  The thing is, I don’t let people close for this reason exactly – I can’t trust that they’ll follow through on a word they say.

Add to that the fact that I live with this person…and life just got remarkably unstable again.  The home situation hasn’t been completely comfortable since the move in date of July 29th.  There are a few factors involved in this, but the main one is the vanished friendship which I had learned to trust.  At this point in time, I’m in need of a new place to call home.

Home is an interesting word, in and of its self.  I don’t know what to call home, really.  My mailing address is that of my parents, simply because I’ve moved enough to make that address the only one with consistency.  The place I sleep at night feels awkward and uninviting.  At this point, going to my parents house – a place I used to want to flee – is the only place I consider to be a ‘home’.  As I think I said recently, I just feel unstable.  Mentally, spiritually, this isn’t the case. My circumstances are what I find to be shaky.  I don’t know where I’ll be located, and I don’t know if those financial needs will require me to look for a new job as well.  At this point, God could take me anywhere for anything…and that part I find exciting.

I think that’s the main lesson for this moment: that no matter what is going on around me and with me, God is still God – and nothing is too big for him.  I already learned about finding my identity and worth in Him.  Next is solidifying the lesson of purpose through Him, while trusting that I am right where I’m supposed to be even in this moment.  I’ve made some interesting decisions this last week, and I’m sure there will be consequences to come.  Really, some of those consequences have already happened through the result of pain that followed.  We really are turning a page right now, and God is the author deciding which characters will follow on to the next chapter.  Some will, and some won’t.  But God is still God.  There are family and close friends who I know will be there, but there is another character I hope will return as well.  That, also, is in Bigger hands than mine.

The Blog About Friends Who Aren’t

{ September 5, 2008 @ 10:34 pm } · { Me, PG, Them }
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I’ll be the first to admit that in the past I have been a pretty craptacular friend. I’ve let friendships slide when I got too distracted by life. I’ve pushed people away in hopes of “protecting” them from whatever it is I’ve got myself into. I’ve hurt them by falling short of what they “know I’m capable of”, or by hurting myself in one way or another. However it is that I’ve messed up friendships, the poison has never been malicious or intentional. It’s happened by being a dumbass, most of the time. Whenever I’ve been hurt by something someone does, there is a multitude of vengeful and angry options that pop into my head which could be used for revenge. I always hold back. However tempting it is to plot out some way to make them feel just as crappy as I do, the plan never even gets entertained.

I can’t stand the thought of hurting the ones I care about, and most of the time this is true regardless of what they have done to me. There have been some pretty awful interactions and dealings in my past, and most of the time, I end up forgetting and forgiving whatever happened. I put them in that order because I honestly tend to forget why I should be upset or angry with someone. I usually see past it to the person behind the action, and then lose sight of their transgression. This is why “lets just forget it and move on” is used so frequently – I already have forgotten, and I honestly would rather just move on instead of trying to remember. Obviously there are exceptions to this, but for the most part I’d rather save the friendship than hurt someone by holding them accountable. Weird, now that I think about it.

I’m sitting in the latest of my addresses, well aware that I’ll soon be leaving and finding another place to call “home”. I hate this. I hate feeling unstable. I hate feeling unwelcome in what is supposed to be home. I’m in the process of finding something new, and that brings up the relevance of the above two paragraphs and this. I felt guilty for looking without telling the two I live with, while part of me didn’t feel bad in the slightest if I was to leave with short notice. The vengeful side of me wanted to hit back at the hurt I felt already. Then…I felt guilty and started the conversation with one of them this evening…

Only to find out that they’d discussed telling me when I needed to leave within the last day or two. Excellent. Obviously there’s the baby on the way. If that’s their only motivation, then it’s completely understandable. I can’t help but suspect it’s more than that and any concern there may be for my feelings in the matter are of little to no consequence. In hearing about their talks, I was hurt…and then realized that I’d done what I usually end up doing. Instead of taking care of me, I was attempting to take care of them and their feelings and in a sense, I waited for them to make a move so that it was me who would take the hit rather than them. I set myself up to get hurt, just so that I don’t hurt someone else.

The reason why I liked living as an island was because island life didn’t contain these sorts of concerns. A part of me is pissed that I let myself believe there would be a lasting friendship with this one. Instead all that has happened is I’ve been used to get through a tough time in her life – and pushed aside now that she’s “better” (not really. It’s a band-aid for an amputation. It’s not over yet.) for her former life and friends. The sad part is not just the loss of friendship, although that does indeed suck. The worst part is the observation that any changes I had seen in her for the good are now gone. She’s the same person I met, minus the swearing. She’s back behind her walls and false securities and closed off to those she clung to while she fell apart. The woman she was turning into has vanished, and with her our friendship it seems.

I hope things don’t stay this way, but I have a feeling they might…at least for a while. I’d say “oh well”, but that implies a level of irrelevance and that is simply not accurate. With that in mind, I don’t know what to say.

The Blog At Jenn’s (sort of) Request

{ September 3, 2008 @ 4:07 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:

1. Play a song I wrote on the guitar

2. Visit Australia, Italy, and Jerusalem

3. Vacation in Bora Bora

4. Love.  Truly, madly, deeply.

5. Make a difference in the world

6. Raise a child (after #4, plus a wedding)

7. Dance naked on a beach in the rain.

Seven Things I CAN Do:

1. Write

2. Laugh often

3. Love my loved ones

4. Be artsy

5. Listen

6. Learn

7. Make the best cookies ever

Seven Things I CANNOT Do:

1. Make up my mind

2. Tolerate arrogance or prejudice

3. Say no to chocolate

4. Pretend that I like running.  I don’t.

5. Not help if I can.

6. Live without God

7. Finish stories I start – I get distracted then think of something better.

Seven Things That Attract Me To Guys:

1. Confidence

2. Love of God

3. Eyes and what’s behind them

4. Talent

5. Their heart.  Integrity.

6. Their sense of humor

7. Drive or ambition

Seven Things I Say Most Often:

1. Really?

2. This is nonsense.

3. Seriously?

4. That’s inappropriate.

5. ASHER!

6. Ridiculousness.

7. Right.

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

1. Orlando Bloom

2. Johnny Depp

3. Clive Owen

4. Matthew Macfadyen

5. Vin Diesel

6. Colin Farrell

7. (The guy that I’m sure I’ll remember as soon as this is posted, but for now I forget)

Seven People Who I Think Should Do This:

1. Scott

2. Kyndra

3. Phil

4. Sarah

5. Amanda

6. Steven

7. Jenn (but she already did)