The past two days have been pretty cool. Today wasn’t so remarkable, so we’ll leave it out of it.
Monday was another eventful day at the workplace. I had one “special” child leave campus on four separate occasions – the first two of which required my sprinting abilities to be put to the test. The second one involved me getting kicked a couple times. The third fieldtrip I had nothing to do with on purpose – I ignored the call, as I had other things to take care of. The fourth time the dum dum decided to run ended up in front of the fire station, on the side walk, in a floor restraint, then finished with six staff having to haul the kid into the van as he refused to move and made himself 300lbs of dead weight. This kid sucks, on most levels.
One of the other incidents of the day included a pretty rough situation with a more violent kid, myself, my Boss, and the top Boss Lady. The first part of it was taken care of with no little effort by me and the Boss. It was later on in the situation (once we’d controlled it for the most part) and after quite a bit of fight that the Boss Lady arrived and aided with the restraint. The whole story its self is far more interesting with the details we’re not supposed to talk about, but the point of me bringing it up isn’t because of the story its self – it’s merely to make it a point of reference.
I met with my counselor later that night and we went through quite a bit of what had been happening since our last meeting – some of it to do with various relationships in my life, some to do with work, and much to do with the future. I relayed some of the stories which had happened (including the ridiculous one with the obscene kid a few weeks back) and went through some of my thoughts on careers and schooling…etc. She remarked about “selling myself short”, and I didn’t understand what she meant at first. She explained by listing exactly what it is I get myself into on a daily basis and pointing out how much of an anomaly my sort of mind set is. The main point was this: I put myself into physically dangerous situations on a daily basis, willingly, knowing that both psychological and physical harm could happen to myself and the others involved. And I like it. She pointed out that most people wouldn’t do this on purpose, including herself. Oddly enough, I’m so used to the sorts of situations we deal with with these kids (remember, we’re not talking children…we’re talking teenagers who are emotionally disturbed and prone to violence) that it doesn’t phase me to step in between two larger-than-me male students, separate the two, and potentially then have to physically restrain them until they’re once again safe. I’ve been kicked, hit, bit, spat at, thrown around, pushed into various objects and walls, almost thrown down staircases, and had enough work days that ended with sore muscles from having to hold my own against a kid trying to re-gain control of the situation. I guess what we do isn’t so normal, and from what I’m noticing now, it’s something that not many would put themselves in to.
As I said, though, the odd part is that I love it. The risk of it, the physical demand of it (which isn’t always a part of it, though frequently is), the need to constantly be aware and in pro-active and problem averting mode, and whatever else is required of me…it’s something I get a rush from. My job keeps my interest like no other job has. It also has taught me a lot about myself and what I’m capable of – which is far more than I’ve given myself credit for.
When talking with my mother and going through this, I almost braced myself for the expected scoffing that would come after acknowledging that perhaps what I do shows some sort of strength or character. As I waited and braced myself for the eye rolling…it didn’t happen. She agreed. I then voiced what I had said to the counselor – that I feel like I am rarely taken seriously, whether it be physically or otherwise. The predisposition to underestimation is towards friends, co-workers, but mostly family. I’ve felt ridiculed and slighted for my lack of athletic ability and supposed “laziness”, and it’s caused me to believe that these things are true and my believing otherwise is merely wishful thinking. Mom looked at me and said “where in the world would you get that idea from?”. Um. You? And my brothers? I’m just sayin’.
Just her denial of this belief was like removing blinders and made me see myself in a completely different light, and it’s a light which is far more akin to reality now that I actually consider the facts. I am by no means weak, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. My job takes all manner of strength, and life has dealt plenty of rough hands over the years. I’ve been through more nonsense and seen more than people with a decade of lifetime over me. No, by no means do I deem myself to be superior – we’re all too unique and with different gifts, experiences, and characteristics to be fairly compared to each other. The cool thing, though, is that the last two days gave me something I haven’t had in quite a while – a genuine excitement for the future.
It’s pretty amazing to consider the posibilites of the next few years and the years beyond them. Removing limitations of underestimation and low expectations opens up a whole new level of posibilities. School didn’t seem like such a burden, and more of a training ground (I know, I know…) and relationships an asset rather than a life or death necessity. Of course there are some relationships which mean more or less than others. There are still hopes for a certain future and a certain path where that may lead. The amazing thing is that God did indeed put me here, for now, and at this time and place for a reason. The way He put me together is nothing to be upset about, and the passions He gave are also far from irrelevant. We’re chess pieces, the way I see it – all part of the master plan of the One who began and still runs the show.
