The Ramblings of A Muse

I should be sleeping right now.  I know, however, that if I attempt to go unconscious the effort will be futile as my head won’t shut the hell up.  Head, heart, same difference.  The problem I’m having right now is trying to figure out what the heck it is that’s making me feel so on edge.

It may well be the fact that the coming week has a few days worth mention in it.  There’s an interview, there’s a couple fun days at work, there’s the anxiety of trying to perform above par in a new aspect of work, add to that the knowledge that we’re approaching the end of another month…

…and that leads us to another possibility.  I’m still trying to find a new location.  Granted, the effort has been limited by the resources I have chosen to stick to.  The next place I try to call home has to be a certain kind of environment…and that’s not me being picky for the sake of being picky.  I’m realistic.  I know my self well enough to know what would be a good environment for me and what wouldn’t.  Add to that the need to find something that will be suitable for Asher as well – and things are a bit challenging.  So, I guess that could be it.

My mom’s home from the hospital, so that’s not it.  She went in due to passing out with a couple seizures involved.  Doctors kept her over night for testing…turns out she has something wrong with her heart.  We already knew this, but up until this point it hadn’t really reared its ugly head.  She has a follow up appointment with the cardiologist next week.  She says she feels fine, so that for the moment is good enough for me.

I had a conversation this afternoon with my eldest brother.  I told him a bit of what my week had looked like…leaving out the specifics of certain events but he knows me well enough to get the picture, I’m sure.  I told him about wednesday night – about being pissed off at a phone call I got, then set off by the knowledge that my best friend, her father, and my ex-boyfriend were going to be visiting the one from my recent past.  She had told me about the approaching visit so that I wouldn’t find out later and be upset.  In all honesty, the fact that they were going to his home with Bikers for Christ since he had been injured in a motorcycle accident, really wasn’t a big deal to me.  I was thankful that people I loved could potentially be used by God in his life.  For some reason though, the reality of two people who (in very different ways, obviously) have been closer to me than most would be visiting this one…it got to me.  I couldn’t identify why at the time…which led me to go straight over to my parents in hopes of processing things through and figuring it out…which led to a counter productive conversation and me leaving upset.  Wednesday sucked.  I told my brother about it, and then went through my feelings on the issue, added to my feelings about another character in my life…but that one is a completely different story.

Knowing today that the visit would be happening diverted my thoughts in that direction and I almost wished I could be a fly on the wall to see that interraction.  I know my ex, and I know how amazing he is, but I also know that when he first met this guy he hated him – and with decent enough reason.  The fact that he’s changed can only be a God thing.  Then my best friend…that one is also interesting.  I remember sitting on his (the guy to be visited) bed one night when I had the place to myself (he was out of town) and telling her the whole story of how things had gotten to the point they were…and I remember the hurt that she felt because I’d kept her in the dark and pushed her away while it all was happening.  It was fear that had made me do it.  Fear and shame, that is.  Her feelings at the time I think were mixed towards him, but after the whole thing ended I’m pretty sure they firmly planted themselves on one side of the fence.  Up until this, that is.  Again…I’m curious.

There’s still a lot up in the air for me.  The timing of everything going on seems to be so incredibly jacked up and all wrong.  My brother reminded me of his own situation and the timing of his relationship.  He helped put some things in perspective.

He also helped me to identify something which I had yet to be able to do.  I’ve been trying to figure out why I do things which I know will hurt me.  I go into situations which I know are bad, or I do things which I know will be damaging…and I had no clue why.  I’m no idiot, but I have made some pretty craptacular choices.  He said “You need to stop trying to punish yourself for things that God already has covered”.  Wow.  He’s right.  I am my own worst critic.  I hold myself to impossible standards, and subsequently fall short.  When he said what he did…something resonated within me and I saw things in a completely different light.

Today was constructive, as it turns out.  Even though I’m still feeling antsy and restless.

The above is likely as disjointed as I feel.  Eh.  Only seems appropriate to let it remain as such.