Last night I went to a Post Holiday Party with B at TAPS in Brea. A trivial fact of the restaurant industry is that Holiday Parties are seldom during the holidays…it’s the busiest time of the year and hardly a good idea to take an evening out from making money to hang out at the restaurants (further) expense. I got to play the part of the hot date, something I rather enjoy, and over all it was a pretty fun night. Dinner, dancing, drinks, and mingling with people from his work. I used to work at the sister restaurant to TAPS (The Catch, formerly located in Anaheim across from Angel Stadium) so there were a few familiar faces for me also. Somewhere near the end of the evening is when things took a turn. Not necessarily for the worse, but certainly a turn.
One thing about our relationship is that it is made one only by actions, and not by distinguished title. That may sound odd and/or confusing. We’ve never had the DTR, or Define The Relationship, discussion. If you’ve read my previous posts, I think I mentioned that we met years and years ago, and things have gradually progressed to what they are now. Since things are as such, we haven’t ever declared each other to be significant others – though, in reality, we are likely more significant that either has admitted up until now. I’m not sure how the conversation started and especially how it got to the point it did, but we ended up having a Cut The Bull Shit conversation which was far more honest and meaningful than the majority of ours prior.
I must have been aprehensive about saying something or other, and he said to me “…Yeah, lets cut the bull shit. What do you want?”. This was a direct and very well aimed shot right to the heart of the issue. My reply: “I don’t want to fall for something I can’t have, but I think I already have”.
“Well, then we’re in the same boat.”
The first verbal admission of affection more than fleeting. One thing about him, and a recent facet of me, is that we don’t really talk about emotions. We don’t talk about how we feel about each other or the relationship. We plan for the future in terms of “What are we doing this weekend”, not, “What will we name our kids?”. It’s probably the most healthy relationship I can remember being in since I was 19. I’m used to overly emotional, overshare-friendly, and fall-too-quickly relationships that skip past the reality of knowing someone and right into the fantasy of a life that doesn’t exist. He’s someone I had on a pedestal at 14, who I had the biggest crush on EVER at 18, and who I first kissed at 22. Quite a build up to where we are, really. Three months-ish down the line (nope. We don’t really have a date to reference for whatever we are) ours could potentially be a neat “Story”. Could. As in, also could NOT. The snag in this little tryst?
We don’t have the same faith, and neither of us is willing to part with our belief system. Whereas his belief system (which is based on the idea that all religion is the same thing) does not dictate who he should and should not ultimately be with, mine does. I’ve been raised in a Christian household with the term “unequally yolked” hung over my potential suitors as a final judge and jury. Obviously, I was aware of this difference at the start. All I can put this lapse in consideration down to is my own lack of expectations when it came to how he would ultimately feel about me. When you have someone on a pedestal, and whatever single or taken status the two of you have which prevents anything from materializing finally aligns and you’re both single and interested…the reality of being with that person who you idealized for so long is like dating a celebrity whose movies you’ve seen and who’s iconic persona is one you never would have dreamed would be one to call your own. A really long sentence to say…the reality of being with him wasn’t something I expected. It caught me off guard, and now months down the line, I find myself conflicted. Apparently my struggle wasn’t so hidden from him. He said something to me which echoed someone from the past and though it may not be so meaningful to anyone else, to me it was a moment which made me catch my breath.
“You’re eyes say so much, even when you don’t say a word”
This exact sentence was said to me when I was 16 by a man who knew me better than just about anyone. He was someone so very precious and who had a huge role in my life back then. To hear it out of this one did something to me which I know can’t make sense to anyone else. It’s not even that profound of a statement, I know. It was, however, a blatant admission that I wasn’t just some random chick to him. I wasn’t just someone he sat with during movies, or whose hand he held in public. I was someone, to him. I AM someone to him.
What’s interesting about last night was that he attacked a reality which I didn’t expect to be called out on. I’ve behaved in several fashions in various relationships – everywhere from completely open and available, to walled up and callous. Both of us are guilty of being guarded in this relationship. Him, because he knows where I stand on Religion (I HATE that word) and what that ultimately will mean for he an I. Me, because I don’t trust so easily and am terrified of a repeat of segments of the last 5 years of my life. The conversation didn’t have a conclusion. He walked me to my car and we sat there talking for a while. He doesn’t express his thoughts in a “don’t leave me, I can’t lose you” sort of way, which is something I appreciate. I can’t respect someone who begs to be held onto when the other isn’t willing. Why would you persist being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? That makes no sense. Thing is…that’s not the case here. When it comes to guys that I would want to be with, he’s there. I can’t fault him in any way except the Faith thing. Coming from a background where “Christian” guys have been the sole source for everything (discounting nothing) heinous that has been done to me – and the list is ridiculous – I find it hard to discount someone who is amazing simply because of his lack of Faith. This is where his argument lies. He can’t understand why I would let someone who genuinely cares about me and who is a honest to God good guy go, in exchange for someone who is less of a good guy, but who claims God.
Part of me doesn’t get it either.
I don’t have an answer as of this moment. Well, on some levels I do. In addition, I have parents who like him but don’t approve of a relationship. I have friends who love him, but who can’t support it either. And then I have me. Me, who doesn’t quite know what to think, though I’m told I have no option anyway.
Just as the conversation went, I don’t have a neat conclusion for this either.
