Archive for February, 2009

The Blog About Rocks

{ February 26, 2009 @ 11:14 am } · { Legitimate Insight, PG-13 }
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Last night was a rather nerve wracking experience for me.  It was one of those moments where I sat there (well, lay there is far more appropriate…but ironically that makes it sound inappropriate.  It wasn’t.) fidgeting and finding crass remarks to add to just about anything to pass the achingly painful moments of silence that passed while my company completed the task at hand.  As we lay there together (appropriately), I’d flit from one thing to the next in random spurts of speaking, while making the mouse on the computer screen bounce spastically around for no apparent reason – other than occasionally moving the visible portion of the Firefox window down to reveal new material.  I continued this nonsense until he put one hand over mine and said “STOP!  Every time you do that, my ADD kicks in and I have to watch the mouse have a seizure and then I lose my place!”

 

I was letting him read my Blog.  More specifically, I was letting him read the Blogs about HIM. 

 

I say “Let”, and I’m immediately aware of how obviously strange that word usage is.  This Blog is clearly open for the world to see.  If he felt so inclined, he could look at it whenever he’s able and peruse the mind of yours truly without my self-conscious antics to divert his attention.  Why, then, do I turn into a four-year-old when he’s viewing something which random strangers are given unspoken and unquestioning permission (Hello, random readers) to read? 

 

I suppose it’s for the same reason we still have yet to define the relationship.  It’s that moment where you made a very crucial and potentially risky decision: do you fold or do you show your cards and let the chips land where they may?  It’s that moment where you find out who’s been bluffing, who’s been hiding the winning hand, or whatever other card-related metaphor which could apply to two people having a “let’s cut the bull shit” interaction.  For me, showing him my mind laid bare on the subject of him was one of those moments.  Granted, it wasn’t up to the moment bare, as the entry in question was written over a month ago.  Since then, things have changed.

 

A lot has changed, actually.  I looked back at the entries from last year when I mentioned the inevitable end to our relationship.  At the time, I felt like writing it may make it more of a reality that I could follow through on.  As it turns out, time hasn’t really proven faithful to my predisposed assumptions.  Someone I thought I could discard if forced to by rules and whatnot is now someone I have no desire to part with.  Someone who I thought I wouldn’t let myself get attached to is now one who’s company I find comfort in, and whose friendship I trust more and more as the days go by.   I have no presumptions for the future, on either end of the spectrum.  I stopped assuming the fate of just about anything relationship related a little while ago, and taking things as they come is far more exciting than living a secondary life of imagined future bliss in the confines of my head. 

 

Being vulnerable is something I have never enjoyed.  Learning to live and love as such – well, that’s proving to have far more enjoyable dividends than living life as a rock.  A really polished and shiny rock, but at the end of the day a rock is a rock – and no one wants to snuggle a rock.  Do they? 

 

The Blog That Is What It Is

{ February 23, 2009 @ 4:48 pm } · { G, Poet }
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Hi, God.  Can I come home?

I’m tired of feeling like I’m here on my own.

It’s been a while since I felt You were here

It’s been even longer since I knew You were near.

 

I know I’m supposed to be thankful and glad

That You gave me life and the plan You had

But God, I’m tired and I’m afraid I’m done

I had faith in much, but now there’s none.   

 

I don’t want to go out completely dead

Can I come home now, when there’s just a little bit left?

To be honest, I’m not even sure that’s true

I’m lost.  I’m broken.  I can’t find You. 

 

I’ve tried everything I ever was told

To get back to Your Presence, and out of the cold.

If things are going to change, then please change them fast

I don’t know how long I can last. 

The Blog About Forgiveness

{ February 17, 2009 @ 3:24 pm } · { G, The Silver Lining }
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We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I look back to my High School years and remember few details.  I can remember being somewhat dorkyawkward, since I only went there for three classes a day and did the rest through Independent Study.  I remember having varying shades of red hair – everything ranging from a deep orange to a dark raspberry/purple color.  I wore a lot of black back then, too, and had a mild obsession with Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  I also was helplessly addicted to Altoids and would go through about a pack every few days as they were somewhat of a coping mechanism for me.  I did plenty I am glad I don’t remember clearly, but even those things I know weren’t so bad.  What I know also is that there were plenty of painful wrongs done to me – but I can’t for the life of me tell you exactly what they were. 

Back then I had no issue letting go of things that really did not matter.  I had a few disputes with friends, but each of them would be forgotten and discarded by weeks end.  I could have remained hurt with plenty justification, but I honestly couldn’t tell you a week later what had happened that was so wrong.  My friendships meant more than that.  They were far too important, I was far too forgiving, and things just moved right along without that nonsense getting in the way.

Somewhere along the way, things changed, as they so often do.  I went from forgive and forget to try to forgive and kinda shove it aside but still glance at it from time to time.  I didn’t mean to start holding grudges, and for the most part I’ve managed to keep from doing so.  Back then the hurts ranged in severity, and perhaps that’s where the shift began – the levels of severity sure have deepened over the years.  In High School, it was “You’re new girlfriend can’t accept we’re friends and decided to make a rude and undeserved phone call to me last night” – one of the few examples I can actually remember.  In recent years, the debt has been far greater.  Still, only few have managed to linger like paper cuts that you think are healed, until you touch something acidic and you’re reminded of just how not-done that whole situation is.

There’s one in particular that has managed to linger, and with its lingering comes a gigantic wall between me and just about anyone I choose to hold near and dear. 

I’ve wrestled with this one for the past three, going on four, months.  Perhaps that’s not so long considering the years-long grudges some hold against others.  I didn’t consciously decided to be angry, nor hurt, nor anything else.  Somehow along the lines though, my “forgiveness” really didn’t take hold. 

I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of seeing him and feeling a part of me recoil in revulsion.  I don’t want to have other people in my life put up with me rambling to them every time our paths cross and I want to go cry or break something.  I’m tired of trying to rationalize or over-analyze the situation - do a play by play of who’s responsible for what in a hopes of somehow undoing the wrong that was done.  Thing is, wrong was done.  Something very wrong was done, and there’s nothing that can take that back.  Whether he “Gets it” or not, the reality is still there.  Really, all that’s in my control is whether I choose to give it that hold or not. 

I’m gonna say no.  Enough is enough. 

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.  ~Paul Boese

 

The Blog With Balloons

{ February 12, 2009 @ 9:49 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I’ve spent the last few moments strumming my fingers across the keys, unsure where to start. My head is filled with so many thoughts, tangents, and potential sources of conversation. I feel like I’m in a room of helium filled balloons floating above my head, and each one’s string is just that tiny bit too high to grab a hold of.

I’ve been noticing a shift taking place over the last few months. Though, I’ll admit I’m not sure what the ratio of good to bad is in this shift, I know it’s leading me to some uncharted territory. In some ways it’s exciting, but in others it’s downright terrifying. Everything from my faith, relationships, livelihood, and views on society has been called into question and put through the ringer in ways I can’t put into words. I have noticed for the past few years that there’s a trend in my life – just about everything I look down on other people for or adamently say I will never do, near innevitably, turns out to be something I myself will encounter and have to face for myself. It’s the ultimate “walk in their shoes” to be faced with situations strikinly similar to those you’ve chastised and thought “well, OBVIOUSLY you’d…”…fill in the blanks. I’m discovering that life isn’t nearly so black and white, cut and dried, or universally…whatever.  It’s shades of everything in between, and seldom do we know nearly as much as we think we do.