I’m not one to say I have it all figured out. Indeed anyone who claims to hold the key to understanding the entirety of the mysteries of this world I find myself immediately shoving into a quarantine of sorts for observation. Yes, there are things that can be known for certain, but there is also an infinite amount of knowledge that we as humans just can not wrap our heads around…even if we DID manage to come across something resembling potential profound insight and understanding.
Sometimes I drive even myself crazy by the roundabout and liberties-taken ridden sentences I manage to thread together.
(Seriously.)
I went to House of Blues last night in Anaheim. I’d been planning to go for probably over a month, or whenever it was I found out that two of my favorite bands would be playing there. A good friend of mine has a brother who works there, so we were given the tickets gratis. The BF was working, so it ended up just being the two of us. My brother happened to be there with his almost-sometimes-significant-other-ish-girl, so the four of us managed to stay together for what would be an amazing show. I don’t know what it is about concerts, but they always manage to provide more than enough fodder for trains of thought that end up taking off into mental quests ending with some sort of epic realization and the subsequent reality of a fork in the road of life. Maybe it’s just the happenstance timing of when I end up going to shows, but this always seems to be the case. Last night was no different.
There were a few elements to fuel my thought process that night. The lack of my present extracurricular interest (read: man), the presence of family and friend, the fact that I was about to partake in a show centered around God – Someone I’ve been somewhat wrestling with for the last six months or so, and an incredibly random sighting of someone I first saw when I was 17, then actually met at 18, and sort of knew until I was 19 or 20. I’ll get to the significance of all these, though I’m not sure they’ll tie in together in such a neat and tidy package. Let’s see, shall we?
The man. I’m not going to go into details of our relationship. We’re great. Long term, well…
Family is an odd one. I’ve referred to myself as the Black Sheep of my family for years. If you’ve been around for any amount of time, you’ve probably heard this and its explanation before. For the newcomers, I come from a VERY conservative, English, Christian, and proper household. My brothers did things by the book. Both went through High School normally, one of them being Valedictorian, both being varsity soccer players, both went to a Christian College, one married the cutest little blonde haired and blue eyed girl next door and the two of them are currently living happily ever after…sigh. Me…well, I did independent study through high school because I was involved in the entertainment industry, only went to school up through half of my Junior year then got out early, was working from 15 onwards, and then there was the rest of my life. I did a lot, saw a lot, got tattooed and pierced and had every hair color under the sun, hung out with older people, and refused to fit some sort of idealized mold. Well, refused isn’t quite accurate. There have been times where I fit the mold of my family quite well – and happily at that. Thing is, it’s a battle. It’s a moment to moment, second to second, takes everything in me just to stay on one side of the fence battle. I have long lamented my inability to do things simply or take the easy way out. I’m not Type A. I realized last night…
Then there’s God. I made something similar to peace with that wrestle a couple weeks ago. I don’t understand Him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love Him. Love is a choice. I don’t get why he allows certain things in life to happen, but I am not one to judge God. He gave us free will, and ultimately He is not responsible for the end result of the domino effect that we ourselves set off by our own choices. I realized last night…
The crush I mentioned is oddly enough the spark that started the process of pulling all this together into something resembling coherent. I was at a worship conference when I was 17, and I remember looking to my right and seeing a guy standing there completely wrapped up in worship. He was tall, dark, ridiculously good looking…but it was the posture he held himself in and where his focus was that grabbed me. It was the most attractive thing I think I’ve ever seen. Somewhere in me something resonated, almost recognized a counterpoint of sorts and I said to myself “…someone like that”. I didn’t meet him that night, but I DID meet him a few months down the line by chance when I began attending a new church. Eventually we talked – and there was honestly nothing there. The tongue tied crush was in full force…but we had nothing to talk about. Zero. He’s married now, and all is well. So, last night…
I realized how ok I am with the end conclusions of each of these. There’s far more to life than concern over men and the potential nonsense they bring with them. Granted, the deepest hurts have been at their hands…but their reprehensible acts of free will by no means represent an act of God. There have been maybe two people I’ve sincerely wondered if they were the one I’d marry in the end. The funny thing about that is, even if God has created and willed it so, both parties have to choose it. One I’m realizing may well have been intended for me…but his free will dictated him to lose self control when it came to me and destroy anything that could ever have been. The other, well, time will tell.
I can’t tie the above paragraph to what follows very well, so let’s just move on.
Knowing how different I am from my family, but how remarkably similar I am in the ways that matter has brought a strange amusement at myself. God didn’t make me to be just like them. He didn’t make me to be just like ANYONE, that I’m completely fine with that. Recognizing who I am also helps me see the ones around me in a different light. No need to get into that.
So many thoughts…none of them done justice. I’m sure there’s more to follow.
