There have been many influences and voices lately which have offered sentiments both new and old in regards to me, my life, and my relationship with God. There have been some recurring themes, some amazing words of encouragement, and some brilliant moments of near euphoric awareness of being held in the palm of the Almighty’s hand. One of the coolest moments I’ve had was during my drive to Arizona last week. I remembered something that Mike Erre had said about love. He said that real love involved risk. Obviously, on a human level I understand this one completely. On another level, though, it was as if something finally clicked and I saw it from a different perspective. I’m usually one who takes little chances without knowing the outcome of the situation. I won’t risk acknowledging emotions or feelings for someone if I think they’re not on the same page. I very much wait for them to take the initiative. Likewise, my relationship with God has been a wrestling match between finding psychological, logical, historical, and evidential proof that He is who he says He is and Christianity is the ‘right’ choice, and believing with a childlike trusting faith. The second doesn’t come easily to me.
I have trouble trusting that He is good when I see so much unexplained bad. I doubt Him as a perfect and trustworthy shepherd because I’ve seen things in both my life and the lives of others which lead me to think otherwise. When I reflected on the notion of love meaning risk, I realized that my love for God involves that kind of risk. Certainly, I can look at all the reasons why I choose to live with the beliefs I do, but as we’re trusting in a God who can not be seen, there is little tangible proof of His existence. I have felt His presence like a tingling fire on my flesh when my heart and soul is focussed entirely on Him, but I always question whether I’m right or whether I’m taking a chemical reaction in my body or a stray emotion and running somewhere inaccurate with it.
The words spoke to me and over me recently have mostly related to things I’ve known before. In fact, many of them I had to chuckle at because they are almost directly relevant to something I wrote last year. I hadn’t planned on writing it out anywhere public, but as this is a select forum…I’ll share. What follows is essentially my walk with God put to words.
In dark of night with only fire to guide me
It burns my clothes and singes my path
My flesh remains untouched
Your had surrounds me
Your breath lives in me
Your light will hide me
Even in darkness, hold me and I’ll be fine
My soul longs for and finds you
Through the tears your goodness shines through
You confuse me and leave me guessing
But I trust you. My God, I trust you
When dreams seem past and faded
My view of life is completely jaded
But still I will seek and I’ll get to you
I see you’re always with me
Regardless of what I’m going through
Just take my hand, I will go
I will follow you, Father. I will go
Jesus, my love, your beloved I’ll remain
I dance before you
Take my joy in seeing you
Take my life, God, I’ll serve you
I adore you
Live for you
Take my hand I’ll be just fine
I am yours, I will keep you as mine
Let my life be pleasing to you
May your heart beat the rhythm I dance to
I will sing at the top of my lungs and rejoyce
Because my Father loes me
Not by force but by choice
So forsake the world and live for you
Give up with striving and delight in you
I am fearfully, wonderfully, beautifully made
Perfection in your eyes
May that be all that matters
All that I need
I need you, my God
Don’t hide yourself from me
I will climb up this hill
And not leave until you bless me
Even if this world destroys me
I will rise from the ashes
I will fly to you
Hold me in your arms, only then I’ll survive
May the shade of your presence
Be where my soul rests and is alive
Fill my heart with your love
Keep my eyes on you
Take my hand and guide me
Be my strength
I will find you
In the waiting, I will find you.
- September 14, 2007
