This blog I posted on my MySpace Page on January 1st of this year…and, since I plan on expanding upon the thoughts mentioned in the latter portion of the post, I feel the need to re-post it here.
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Last year I wrote a blog about the events of 2005 with the intention of having this activity become an anual occurance. Thus, here we are on the first day of 2007 and I am begining the task of reviewing the events of the year 2006 in the life of me. To be honest, I have a feeling that this particular blog is going to be difficult to write. Not because I am lacking in material to write about – on the contrary. The only concern is what to tell and what to leave out. Last year I took the stance of being more reserved when it came to the details of my relationships, but this year the details seem far too intertwined to separate the private from the public. Lets just see where this takes us, shall we?
Lets talk about New Years last year. Having previously accepted that any sort of anticipation regarding the holiday is missguided at best, I went into the evening with absolutely no delusions of magnificence. Thank God. There is perhaps little more awkward than spending New Years eve with your ex-boyfriend as the designated driver for yourself and your current interest. That’s right. I spent new years last year with my ex and my current. Sweet. Granted, it could have been worse. Thankfully both, though neither too impressed with the situation, had the maturity to handle the night with a good amount of courtesy towards the other. After this start to the year I should have know what would follow would be somewhat less than normal.
Six days later I began what would be a two-day roadtrip accross the country, but in all actuality turned out to be the beginning of something so much bigger. The trip its self was incredible. Having never driven further than Monterey I was constantly in awe of the beauty of the country I live in. Each state has its own personality in the landscape and the climate and I found it facinating to note the differences between the six or seven we drove through on our way to Georgia. Its strange to think, now, that I began the journey with little expectations by way of a possible relationship with the guy I was helping to drive home. Somewhere around New Mexico or maybe Texas I started to do something I never thought I would – I fell in love.
This portion (and most likely the majority of what follows) is the part I am both looking forward to writing about, but at the same time loathing. This trip started a relationship that would last through the middle of July and would change me in ways I didn’t think possible. We’ll get to that.
After four days or so in Georgia with the guy’s family, I quite reluctantly left back for California. After that we began an exchange of emails and phone calls which, reading now (the emails, not the phone calls…obviously.), covered everything from trivial events of the day to our philosophys on God and man and everything in between. It sucks an incredible amount to read emails containing such sweetness which have now turned out to be somewhat less than accurate. Yes, I kept them all. Yes, I’m reading them currently. I’m doing this not to torture myself (although that’s a SUPER fun byproduct) but rather because it does contain pieces of information of what I was doing through certain parts of the year. It’s the only record I really have of those events.
Lies, lies, lies. I’m reading a lot of lies right now.
So, there was January. Then there was february which contained, among other things, the day of evil. Last years Valentines day I spent working with Allison at the CPK. Good times. Alright…so, I’m going to quote myself from an email sent on February 13th to give you a picture of what was happening to yours truley around that time. One of the changes, that is. I write:
“Holy crap. You’ve turned me into a mushy, chicky, romantically sappy girl. Damn it! I mean, yes, I guess I’ve been slowly thawing the ice walls located in the central/left quadrant of my chest cavity for a while, but writing them down in a form that can be read and tracked forever…that’s a new one. I usually can’t use words to talk about my feelings. I think you got that idea in the beginning…but I guess I’m learning. “
That’s right. Somewhere between January and here I turned into a human being with feelings. Not just that…I learned to express them through the written word. Don’t get me wrong, there was much squirming and looking over my shoulder when this occured. Discomfort, perhaps. But it was a learning experience. Also, I am only quoting portions of these emails that were written by me. I am not that much of a bitch to post someone elses words written to me without their permission. Besides – he has a new girlfriend now. Oh, we’ll get to that later too, I suppose.
Late february I think contained a few problems at work. Well, not problems with work, rather a select few girls at work. Those problems (I think) have since resolved themselves are are hardly worth any further mention.
The emails I’m reading now jump from February 27th to March 16th. This is for one very basic reason: there’s no reason to email when you’re with the person in person. The beginning of march was when he came to visit me for ten days. We had our make-up day for Valentines day (which we dubbed the “I heart you more than anyone ever” day.) and I recieved quite possibly my most favorite present – a ring. Not the kind of ring that’s white and sparkles. No, it was the type that’s blue and yes, it sparkled. We had a name for that ring also. If you were around me during this time, then you know how I felt. You watched the two of us together. I don’t think I need to say more.
March represented a time where I was trying to put to rest what my mother refers to as my “fatalist mentality”. The way that I functioned included accepting the worst possible outcome of a situation as reality, thereby illiminating any dissapointment when things went awry. My thought process figured: if you don’t look forward to anything, then you can’t get hurt when it doesn’t happen. The relationship I was in was requiring me to not only hope, but to take a major chance by putting myself (ok, that thing called a heart, more accurately) on the line. I also was looking at the possibility of moving to Georgia at this time. If you know me, you know that I seldom did anything without considerable forethought and counsel from those nearest and dear to me. This situation was no different. I consulted my parents, my dearest friends, and most importantly God. I honestly believed that God was telling me to take the chance on this guy and leave what was comfortable in exchange for what would be a gigantic leap of faith. ThoughI still think I was right in this decision, it wasn’t for the reason I initially assumed. Once again, we’ll get more to that later.
April. Reading between the lines, I think I was having issues with School. Not a shocker. Relationship wise, we were talking about our future location. Yes. OUR future location. We were well into talking about making our status permanent by this point.
I’m realizing now that nothing very important happened during these months other than school and the evolution of the relationship. Those were my main focuses. That and trying to find my way out of CPK. Obviously, that didn’t happen as I am still there today and sporting a shiny silver three year pin. Yeah, baby.
May 27th contained another email which I will quote simply to give you a snapshot of what I was thinking and going through at the time.
“I know I use the word “frustrated” a lot. It’s so fitting right now, though. Since I’m not nearly motivated enough to look up a synonym, I’ll just use “tired” instead. I’m tired of people being fake and flakey. I’m tired of them being inconsistent and unreliable. I’m tired of school. I f-ing hate work. But even with that in mind, I feel almost like it’s just before daybreak. You know, that time in the morning where the sky’s getting lighter…you can gradually watch the light on the horizon brighten and begin to cast shadows over the rest of the landscape. You can watch as time itself passes and a new day starts with a wash of bright light…I’m getting all poetic and sappy. Sorry. But that how it seems, now. And besides you and maybe my mom, I’m alone with all these feelings and nothing and no one to share them with. Way, completely, lame and…frustrating. Anyway, our conversations of late have been doing funny things to my ideas of what my life would look like. I meant it when I said earlier that I’d be alright with whatever turn your life took in regards to the military. I look at it this way: if it wasn’t for the Marines I wouldn’t have met you. If it wasn’t for the time you spent enlisted, then you wouldn’t have turned into the man I love now. The past four years have been spent learning skills that you’re good at. God gives us gifts for a reason. To neglect them in favor of a safer and more convenient route seems foolish and wasteful. You are amazing, and whatever you decide to do you will be great at. And whatever that decision turns out to be, then I’ll support you in it. See? I grew up in four years, too. I’ve rambled on here for a while…know that I love you, and even if I have to spend the next however many years partly worrying about you on possible deployments, I’ll still love you for as long as God (and you) tell me I get to.”
So, you get the picture, right? Good. Glad we had that discussion.
From there the emails stop until August 2nd. That’s because after finishing my AA that June, I drove accross the country to spend the next six weeks in Georgia. I took the leap.
And got knocked harder to my ass than I think I ever have before or since. The events of the summer are comlicated and to this day slightly confusing. The bottom line is what I say to people when the ask me to this day: I went thinking I would come back on my way to being engaged, and instead I left single. And I got broken in between.
But thank God, that’s not all He wrote. Although the summer contained some of the most priceless and painful moments, they also contained some of the most profound. I saw the beginnings of life, I watched death, and I found what it meant to trust God more than the people around me. At the risk of becoming redundant, I will again quote myself from an email written post-breakup. This portion was in regards to the move out to Georgia:
“I did it of my own free will and shouldn’t have gone into it with any pre-conceived ideas about its outcome. I don’t usually let myself get ahead of myself in that way…but I did, and to my own folly. The way I see it now is this: God let it/caused it to happen for a reason. I had peace about going out there. I don’t regret going out there. If I had the chance to go back and do it over again I may have done some things differently, but in the long run I think that God’s will would have been accomplished no matter what I did. That’s the way I’ve seen it since the time I was out there till now: God used it for his own will. No, I’m not really meaning the ending of “us” as we were. What I mean is I think the events of this summer brought up a load of issues that we each have to deal with for ourselves. I think to start with we brought out the good in each other. By the end it was the worst mixed with a bit of the okay. There are parts of our lives (our pasts and our present) that God would want us to bring to Him. These are the things that were brought to the surface by the choices I/we made.”
But the real heart of the issue…
“At least for me, this summer was an accelerated crash course in growing up. Learning what it’s like to not be under the protective wing of my family. Learning how to handle a bit of responsibility with Jack (while facing the fact that I still have a LONG way to go there). Learning to hold my tongue and not say whatever I want to at any given moment (re: situations with Rachel). Realizing that my significance in this world is neither supreme nor earth shattering (this one I don’t say in a “woe is me” sort of way…more in an acceptance that the world never did and should never revolve around me). God can’t use you when you’re full of your own self-importance. Hey, taking myself down a notch is probably one of the greatest things that’s happened. That and learning what it means to love someone even when it hurts like hell. I won’t go over and over this point…I think you got the idea of where I was coming from in that in the last book I wrote you. =P Most of all is the lesson I’m still working through – learning to trust God with everything. Not just the comfortable trivial things…but the things that I want the most and can’t face the thought of letting go of. Trusting that he knows what’s best and will work all things out for the good of those who love Him – this is the main point. In the past I haven’t trusted God. I didn’t see Him taking care of the people around me as well as myself in the way I thought He should be taking care of it. Still, this is a struggle for me…but it’s something I’m working on.”
So there’s that.
My birthday was August 9th and was a decent day with my parents in Laguna Beach. This was also the day that I realized (for probably the 560th time) that MySpace is the devil. For some unknown reason, this guy of previous mention chose my birthday to change his relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single”. Happy birthday to me. Obviously, I realized this was already the case…but knowing and seeing are two different things.
Enough of that. August 26th was Jenn’s wedding! That was an awesome time both on the day, and the days surrounding it.
The remainder of the year I spent trying to pick up the pieces of what remained and move on. I met a couple new friends, had some interest in one of them, met with some incredible women from my church and overall tried to put my life back together. I also reverted back to being a fatalist. I (sadly) became quite cynical and bitter. These issues have been worked on and are gradually dissipating.
Somewhere in the fall I managed, with much help from the support of those around me, to get over the guy I had thought I was going to marry. There was a point in time where I could honestly say that I was completely done with it and moved on. Not to someone new, granted, but past what was. I found a moment of pure happiness in October (these events can be read in my other blog, if you feel so inclined. It’s located on blogger and there’s a link in my “about me” on my profile page) and learned a great deal about myself in that month.
During October I also had a health issue that I think most people close to me are aware of. The doctors gave me three options of what it could be…they all sucked. For three weeks I was in and out of the doctors office, having CT scans and ultra sounds and blood tests…all to try and figure out what the heck as wrong with me. They never figured it out, for the record, and to this day we have no clue what it was that caused/is causing the problem.
November happened and with it the email that knocked me back on my ass. As I previously stated, I got over the guy. Then I got an email wherein he asked me if I would ever consider taking him back or if he’d messed things up forever. Me, being me, actually took this email and considered it. I sent him the response, and then heard little from him regarding this subject. The reason for his silence is not difficult to figure out. He has a new girlfriend. MySpace is indeed the devil. I have my theory as to why I recieved this email just a short time before the relationship status changed from “single” to “in a relationship”. But, for this blog and it’s public nature, I’ll keep that to myself.
I finished out the year with three amazing concerts, a few questionable decisions, a couple moments of clarity, and an overwhelming feeling of being utterly mixed up. I wasn’t looking forward to the holidays, but they happened and with little incident. I started a second job which pushed my hours up near 50 a week and added just a tiny bit of drama to my already slightly muddled life. Fortunately, I’m not too concerned about any of the above mentioned, and for one very specific reason.
I have no intention of focusing on any of the above paragraph for the new year. For what could be maybe the first time in my life I made a serious new years resolution. I made it during the New Years eve sermon given by Mike Erre at ROCKHarbor. It’s something I’m thoroughly excited about, but have no intention of discussing with anyone beyond this mention. Curious?
For the new year, I want to learn as much as I can about Christ. I know this sounds odd, and slightly lame perhaps to a few people reading (if there’s anyone STILL reading at this point that is…) but let me explain. I have been raised in the church and called myself a Christian since I was three. I’ve had my ups and downs, crashes and burns, epiphanies and moments of brilliance. What I realized, however, is that my view of God is remarkably skewed by my own life experience. Thus – my goal is to gather the most accurate picture I can of Jesus the man, in order to get a clearer picture of God. I believe that if you’re going to call yourself a Christian (i.e. a “little Christ”) then you better know who it is you are declaring your allegiance to. So, I begin this journey with the intent to read the four gospels, several books I own and a few I don’t…but I also plan to begin this journey with zero expectations. I’m not setting rules for myself or a list of do’s and don’ts or thou shalt’s. I think that the response will follow the action. I think that the change will be far more lasting if natural rather than forced or expected.
So I begin the new year rather from the ground up. Slightly demolished, certainly damaged, but at the same time determined. I’m learning what it is to hope and that’s the hardest thing for me at the moment. Refusing to see the bad, and accepting that there is a possibility of goodness in the future. Perhaps this blog is an overshare, but if anyone reads this far…I figure they care enough to know in the first place. To those of you where this is the case, never be a stranger.
On to 2007.
